June 1, 2006
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Topic: The blog of old
I like to escape from reality. Often, I wake up from a dream, and can’t quite remember the dream. It may have even been a nightmare. But, somehow, I want to return to that dream, because it seemed so much more interesting than being awake. And I lie for a few moments wishing this would all go away.
There is this sad feeling in me that my personality was formed at a young age, and i wish it were different. I don’t want to be sitting here typing about my dissatisfaction with life, but I obviously just did, so THERE!
The way I think, the way I learn, the way I talk and interact with people. Day after day I recognize the fucked-up-ness I feel. I sometimes want to change, and sometimes I just vent like this, knowing this is in no way the road to something better.
and so i dream, and like my dreams, they are always better than reality. wherever i go, i will be chased by my demons until i am old and dying, but i will escape and imagine otherwise in order to survive.
ask me 5min. from now what i’ve written, and i will not recall. I am like Edward Norton from Primal Fear, a character made of two people who do not know each other.
I once gained a rush in this writing. I felt that I had inspired thought in others.
But writing is my secret life, that I don’t talk to anyone about. Even to myself. I just occassionally sneak away, like the way my mom will hide a cigarette behind her back. It may kill her, it may not, and my writing is just as worhtless and impactful.
It’s weird, but i’ve felt melancholy so much in my life, that experiencing it is like sitting w/ an old friend.
i know i must turn my attention to home for 2 years and reality, but i can’t stop staring at this painting in my room of a solitary fisherman in dark blue evening waters, waiting to bring his catch back to his thatched roof hut.
the blog of old.
Comments (6)
Yeah…. (What can I do or say, but sit and sigh along with you?)
In fact (how funny is this?), I was just reareading some of my dream journal this morning, and it’s strange how many of the dreams I don’t even remember having now. You were actually in one of them. LOL. In it, you wrote me several letters (I don’t know what about), and then all of the sudden you sent me a huge bundle of money and the letters stopped. In the dream, I was worried that it meant that you were going to commit suicide, and for some reason you were leaving me all your money. (I don’t remember the date of the dream now. But I have kept this dream diary for about two years.) There are no other details about what may have been going on in my life at the time, nor any thoughts about what the dream meant. Just the few lines about the dream. (I’ve since started adding more thoughts about what I think my dreams might be connected to in my waking life.)
C.
Melancholy is not a fun place to be. I see by your sidebar that you have many interests. That makes me think that the melancholy you mention is not deep depression. It is, however, a pretty normal mood swing for most people. Good to talk about it.
i still enjoy your writing
Dude. Take the blue pill.
I get alot of the same feelings – i just never want to be where i am doing the same old things day in, day out. I want my life to have meaning and i want to experience everything i can – every culture, every activity and grasp every opportunity – because i don’t have the money and because no one i know feels the same i never get to do these things – if people i knew loved being outdoors as much as i do from simple walking and hiking to canoeing and anything really i know my life would be so much better where i live – the problem is i don’t really know anyone like that who lives near me which leaves me with a feeling of dissatifaction with my life. Hopefully my RTW trip next year will sort me out a bit! Oh well – my rant over lol. Umm.. i am about 5hrs from the lake district on a good drive. It is beautiful there – i really love the lakes and there are some great hikes! Scotland is also amazing for mountains and lochs – not sure if you have been there – really pretty in the winter when the lochs are frozen and great fun to run and slide on the ice!
Teaching fellows:
You can google it up, if you took 15 credits of education in undergrad, you cannot be a fellow, though i am sure some grad work would be covered.
Getting into those creative schools is difficult, often you need connections.
-Craig