April 25, 2005
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Topic: What happened to me?
I just met up w/ a best friend of mine growing up. His presence no longer brings out any emotion in me. I sat in awkward silence most of the time at his house. I had nothing to say about my life. I was thoughtless.
When i sit here…i can think of things. When my sister asks me “what’s wrong?” I’m speechless, then we begin talking about jobs for me, and I know the problem isn’t just finding the right job. I start confusing her, and myself, and she grows frustrated.
I’m 2 different people, and I hate it. I can’t make petty talk w/ people, can’t share what I’ve been thinking, can’t describe the books I’ve been reading, the music I’ve been listening to.
When topics turn to things that I should be interested in, now I just turn off. I’ve drank a fair amount in my day, but am unable to join in w/ a discussion about drinking. Even my mom knows more about baseball now than I do. What the hell happened to me?
My life seems devoid of memory. I can’t hold a conversation about Phish…but if I hear one of their cd’s go on, my heart smiles. And that…what I did right there, saying ”my heart smiles,” what the hell is up w/ that? Who am I?
I don’t know how things work. I can get into politics here…but ask me what I think about politics, I’ll shrug and say, ”I dunno.”
Ask me what I write on my xanga…what I wrote yesturday. I have no fuckin’ clue sometimes, and I’m never able to talk about this world to anyone. Not that I don’t want to…I just don’t know how. I enjoy writing it, it probably makes interesting reading, but I can’t say it…can’t think it up in person. What the hell happened to me?
I forget how i’ve grown to have friends…my state of mind is empty. I have nothing to say about anything. And I’m suffering because of all these things.
I wish/want to think/view the world differently. I want to be able to share my experiences. I don’t know how though. I don’t know how to share any of this.
I saw the movie Millions today with my mom. I enjoyed it a lot, but that’s not much for conversation, is it? There’s probably an article out there about my “condition,” I want to know what it is, and how it can be fixed. Why I can write w/ confidence, w/out having to really think, but one-on-one, I just freeze up, and I can’t access my brain in the same way. How did I get to be these 2 different people?
Comments (4)
I think many of us share something of this…when I write about a topic I find it hard to speak of again unless it is a theme…
ohmygoodness – i read some of that and it was like reading about my life.
i think there are some people you can talk to – who bring it out of you the way writing does – you just haven’t found them yet. it’s hard living a different life than everyone else – it creates a wall. I went through this when I first came back from London.
i think u need a journey to reclaim urself….sometimes we get into these zones and it seems all is lost but taken out of that enviornment we realize we were just uninspired
Pretend for a moment that it’s more valuable that there be two of you than one of you.
Why would that be? Do you really have to choose one or the other?