April 15, 2005

• Topic: it’s the money, stupid

  
  

  I think i’ve figured out what’s putting me off to life recently.  The question, “what should i do w/ my life?” isn’t the question that’s bothering me.  It’s, “how will i make money with my life!!!”

  
  

  Rather than living in the moment and thinking about what I can do and learn while at OB in Baltimore, I’m overwhelmed by the question, “What will this lead to in the future, that will be more stable financially?”

  
  

  I can’t concentrate on reading books, because I feel like I need to be concerned about my financial future.

  
  

  and I do…my background has ingrained that in me.  But right now, i’m not sure if that’s for better or for worse.

  
  

  To do the things I life that I enjoy doing, I need 2 things. 

  
  

  1) free time

  
  

  2) a bit of cash

  
  

  If I stay the course I’m on…working as an instructor/counselor till Aug., I will stand to have the possibility of flying to and living in a foreign country for a period of time.  That, to me, is priceless.

  
  

  So…should I be concerned about not having a career?  Right now…I could not possibly settle into something for a year, because, implicit with that, is the fact I’d likely stay for a 2nd year, then a 3rd….

  
  

  I’m kind of scared knowing that you only get one shot writing your life.  My family, friends, and culture have practically penned in my 20′s as a time to settle, and it bugs the hell out of me that I’m crossing out the pre-written story.

  
  

  There is a bigger cause I’ve found for myself.  I’m glad I have it written down.

  
  

  I had Chinese food last night, and the fortune said:

  
  

  “Your talents will be recognized and suitable rewarded.”

  
  

  But…my sis made a good point.  What if they’re not?  What if it’s Aug., I have a little bit of money, and haven’t moved one bit closer to having my talents/interests realized?

  
  

  I’ve been letting my days slip away because these things have been weighing on my mind…so I must continue to unravel this mess.

  
  

  What do I feel I’m destined for?  What do I want?  Where do I want?  How do I want?

  
  

  First…i need to re-gain a sense of time.  2 years is a short period of time, but a drastic period of time.  6 months can feel like forever, they can go by too fast, or feel like an eternity, depending on the situation. 

  
  

  I know I need to be in a community w/ foreign people.  I stopped by my old job at ESPN zone to visit my friend there from Nigeria, and I felt alive.  I could talk about soccer, about life.  This tells me that this summer I should highly consider working at my camp again, vs. instructing at OB (unless I did OB abroad again). 

  
  

  It’s hard to go against the advice of others.  My friend in Bal. has life going smoothly, and the thought of staying here is mildly enticing, but I need to be happy somewhere on my own accord, and Baltimore is 100% not my calling.

  
  

  So…back to worrying about life.  I should enjoy the opportunity at hand (no shit…so why does it feel like i’m either deliberately making myself unhappy?)

  
  

  I guess…i have been deliberately making myself unhappy, by telling myself “this is the wrong place.” 

  
  

  I want to read a book

  
  

  No…i need to sort this out before I seek escape.

  
  

  I was walking around yesturday, sandals, courdoroy shorts, grey long sleeve top, hat on backwards, feeling a bit cold in the wind, warm in the sun.  A slight bounce in the step.  The freedom to wander, to stroll. 

  
  

  I remember the balcony of the Green Elephant in Cape Town.  i’d wake-up, go to the balcony with some hot tea, enjoying the simple things in life. 

  
  

  Knowledge is as material as gold.  I often dwell on what I don’t know, but, like gold, I only need to know what I need to know.

  
  

   

  • 10:50 am
  • 3 Comments