“What I like about writing is that you get to express your feeling and imagine things.” – Daquaya Duke

“What I like about writing is that I get to write poems.” Kaliyah Phillips

“I like to write poems because you share your feelings.” Anjali Narine

“I like writing because I can explain my feelings.” Angelo Knox

“What I enjoyed about writing is that it is remembering…you can make a rap.” Seku Mitchell

“I like to write about fairy tales because I like to make stuff up.” Jesus Dorado

“I like to write because I get to write about myself.” Shakira Garden

“What I like about writing is it is another way to express my feelings.” Quasheim Swift

“What I like about writing is when I’m writing about what I did.” Tyleek Whitaker

“What I like about writing is that when you write you can write about anything.” Ta-Shawn Banks

“What I like about writing is you can make up anything you want.” Whitney Sykes

“What I like about writing is that I get to express my feeling, and sharing my ideas with my friends.” Anjerie Moreno

“What I like about writing is that if I’m a writer people can learn from me.”  Hesha Sanchez

“What I like about writing is that you can write about anything and express your feelings.” Shaniya Moore

“I like writing because every time I pick up a pencil, my mind starts to think.” Tajahnay Bullard

What I like about writing is that you get to create and imagine the characters you have in your mind.” Amanda Desir

“What I like about writing is….” Kenny

“What I like about writing is you could write what’s in your thoughts.”  Saul Williams

Topic: The wonder of organization

I’ve never been an organized person.  I’m the type that puts his wallet down, then spends the next 30 minutes looking for it.  Today, however, that all began to change.

My girlfriend is in the process of moving from NYC to NJ, and has some furniture that she’s bequeathed me.  I’ve upgraded from a springy double bed, to a plush full size, from a desk whose table legs were a few inches narrower to my waste, to one that lest me fit both legs with room to spare.  After a trip to the Home Depot, I found myself the proud new owner of an 8ft.x6ft. rug, an upgrade from a plywood floor painted white, but with deep dirt stains.  We pulled out all of my furniture, spent the afternoon sweeping, mopping, rugging, and then with a sprinkle of a new plant, my room has a completely new feel to it.  I’ve buried all loose papers inside a file cabinet that still needs to be organized.  But the overall feel of the room is different, to the point that I personally feel transformed sitting here at my new desk typing.

This was an important day, as I’m in preparation for a new school year.  If I want to have any chance of success, I need to be organized in my personal life.  I need to be eating well, sleeping well, exercising, and thinking ahead.  This profession realy amazes me.  In the past week I’ve truly comes to see the profession of teaching as a profession, meaning there is a high peformance standard for our preparation and our work.  I’ve also come to see how experience is immesurable.  To perform and inspire, as teachers are expected to do, requires a wealth of knowledge of not only how children operate, but of how the classroom operates.  This year, I hope to work my way through that experience, starting with the initial days of school after kids have been away from summer break.

Topic: Day #3, getting ready for the school year

I was quite tired after getting home late from the Met game, and I slept till till past 8.  I wasn’t too happy about this, but I got myself to run 3.5 miles around Prospect Park, to make up for it.  While running, I developed a mantra, or more of a line of thinking that I’ve now turned into a mantra, “Learn to love the things you hate having to do.”  I hate that I have to exercise to feel healthy, but I’m learning to love it.  I have that I have a lot of things to read and do for work, but I’m learning to love it. 

Today at school, we got more into the nitty gritty of teaching literacy.  This is essentially going to be my first year as a teacher.  I recognize now how last year, while I taught kids many things, I wasn’t working within a sustainable framework.  Now, I’m getting a much clearer picture of what is involved with creating a classroom, and seeing how both theory and practice go together.

I’m beginning to have a much greater respect for teaching, as I realize how much there is to learn, and how much experience plays a role.  Just as we expect students to grow over time, and how we take their writing through rought draft, to a finished project, teaching goes in a similar pattern.  The name of the game is to take as many ideas from other people as you can, and to continually grow as a person.

I had sushi for dinner.  Went with the Philadelphia roll, the thought of salmon and cream cheese exciting the Jew in me.  Earlier today, I watched a bit of “God’s Warriors,” a CNN special on the world wide conflict of religion.  My writing time is up, but perhaps you all can share you views on the topic of religion and conflict.

Topic: On conferences, and the Mets

Today’s professional development at my school was on assessing students.  How do we know what our students know, and what they’ve learned?  Well…there’s many ways, including observations, tests, demonstrations, reflections journals, conversations and others.  A big part of teaching literacy this year will be my meeting with students one-on-one to discuss their reading.  Have they chosen books that they are capable of reading, that they comprehend, and that they are enjoying?  If a student is struggling with reading, why are they struggling?  Are they having a hard time with the language, with following the plot, with visualizing the story?  From that information, I then need to teach explicitly the skills that readers use to comprehend.  At least, that’s what I got from today session.

My co-teacher, was in school early today with her significant other, setting up our classroom.  I am so greatful for this, as I lack a creative and organizational eye for decorating.  They turned a room full of boxes into beautifully decorated bulletin boards, that had the room glowing.  Many of our students come from dreary homes, and it is our hope that our classroom will be a warm and inviting place physically. 

It was a successful 2nd day, and I’m really starting to feel comfortable with the idea that there is A LOT for me to learn about teaching, both about the science of teaching, and the infinite amount of content that can be brought into the classroom.  What I’m looking forward to is having a well-planned year where I am able to learn, and gain confidence in myself.  I have already taken on a bit of responsibility for my own success, and have been writing out a detailed script for the first week, that I have been sharing with the other 5th grade teachers.  I plan on doing A LOT of learning this year, and will hopefully have a celebration when summer ’08 comes around.

After all that, I hopped on the F train up to 42nd street, met an old college buddy, hopped on the 7 train, and stuck out a cold and wet night at Shea.  We were rewarded as the Mets jumped ahead 4-1, fell behind 5-4, tied it 5-5, fell behind 6-5 in the 9th, and then won it 7-6 in the bottom of the 9th.  Let’s go Mets!

Topic: Back to work (in 15min)

I’m going to attempt to dedicate 10-15min. of each evening to recapping my day, the events, thoughts, and other things I come to think of. 

I woke up this morning around 7:15am, and got out for a 4-mile run around Prospect Park.  Instead of my usual run inside the park, I ran the longer sidewalk route, which involves a larger whiff of traffic and brings me to the limit of where I normally spend my free time, that being the neighborhoods of East Flatbush and beyond.  I felt pretty good during the run, repeating occassionaly a mantra in my head that, “I love running,” and “This exercise is good for me,” and, “I can’t wait for getting back home already!”

I got back, placed my camping mat in front of the tv, and did some push-ups, sit-ups, and stretching, while taking in a few minutes of Sports Center and the morning news programs.  Later, I hopped on my bike and made the 2mile trip west to the school I work at in Red Hook, PS/MS27.

The PD as they’re called, was about literacy.  Our two presenters are literacy coaches from a program called AUSSIES, and oddly enough they’re actually Australians brought here to help teachers learn how to teach reading.  It almost sounds like a strange concept, but there is a whole lot that goes in to the learning of the teaching of reading.  I’ve been getting a lot deeper into the process of making meaning out of what one reads, and how I personally need to do this, and then explicitly teach this to kids. 

To better explain this, think of a child who is struggling to read, or just doesn’t get it.  What skills are involved in reading something and “getting it?”  As was discussed today, the skills include making connections between what one reads and the background knowledge the reader brings to a particular text, as well as “thinking aloud,” to oneself, to make meaning of what is being read.  Something I have often struggled with is not recalling bits of information because I wasn’t internalizing that I was reading it, the sensation of reading a page and having no idea of what was read.

I came back and picked up some vegetables to roast for dinner.  Carrots, squash, yams, cauliflower, brocolli, and onions, with tumeric, salt, and pepper sprinkled on top.  It didn’t turn out quite as delicious as when my mom has made it, perhaps because I was out of oil, but with rice it made a nice dinner.  After, around 7pm, I walked 5 blocks down 7th Ave. to the Barnes & Nobles, where I indulged in some free magazine reading.  Newsweek had a few articles on colleges that gripped me.  One was aoubt colleges that are “going green,” by having various events to enrourage environmentally sound purchases of energy efficient lightbulbs and refrigerators, using bio-degradable plates and utensils, and creating buildings using solar energy.  Another article was about problems involving mental health on college campuses, especially since the Virginia Tech shootings.  The article reported that it is becoming more common for students to go see a mental health counselor at some point, and although I have yet to go this road, one specialist noted that having your mental health checked should be viewed along the lines of having ones teeth checked by a dentist.

The interesting connection that I have today, is both how my own learning of how people (not just kids) learn reading, has actually improved my own reading (and I believe my listening and other life skills).  In so doing, I have begun to see how my own issues in college may have been caused by deficits I had in reading, or lacking background knowledge to engage with my assigned readings.  This issue, I believe, contributed to some of the  unmotivation and apathy (if that counts as a mental health issue), that I experienced, especially at the end of college.

Your thoughts, comments, and questions…

Topic: The Mohonk Mountain House, and Elizabeth Gilbert

I spent the last 5 days up in New Paltz, NY, at a hotel located on Mohonk Preserve.  The Mohonk Mountain House is the name of the place, and it’s well ove 100 years old.  Some of its finest features include rocking chairs on most balconies, a mile-long lake for boating and swimming, ample hikes, rock climbing, at least 100 gazebos in picturesque locations overlooking the lake and Shawangunk mountains, beautiful gardens, and truly an incredible variety of mouth watering food.

This morning I had the opportunity to sit back and begin reading a new book in one of those fine rocking chairs.  A book about Elizabeth Gilbert, a divorced 30-something who goes traveling to Italy, India, and Indonisia, in search of happiness and something more.  The book is connecting with me on many levels, from her attempts to overcome depression and anxiety, to her desire to see it all and do it all.  She begins with the simple question, “What do I want to do?” 

I’ve struggled with reading for many years, attempting to digest books that were slow, dry, or above my head.  This one is flowing nicely, in a 1st person narrative that reads much like I write in this blog.  Elizabeth allows readers into her life, her travels, and her mind.

Well, as my summer vacation winds to an end, one thought has emerged.  I think I’m more focussed now than ever to do the things I need to do to be happy and satisified in my life.  I no longer believe that positive thinking alone will do this for me, or thoughts of escape.  I no longer expect that I can make all the changes I’d like to make overnight.  Rather, I’m focussing on making small changes.  This week away gave me an opportunity to begin exercising again, and I realize that exercising is something I truly love to do, and will continue to do because I love it, not because I have to.  I also have realized that I love reading, when I’m reading things I enjoy, and so I plan to continue to do this.  I’ve discovered that I get bogged down trying to finish books, and so want to spend time reading articles from magazines and blogs. 

Much of my writing has been about things outside of my own head, and I believe that is because much of my life has been inside my head.  I hope to demonstrate my committment to change by sharing with you those things that I am doing.  Recipes, movies, and move vivid writing will hopefully be seen on this page, as I work to focus myself more on my everyday life.

ex) It was 7:15am when I woke up, and I had to get myself moving soon.  I threw on my Asics, and hurried downstairs, out of the hotel, and up the path marked, “SkyTop path.”  The path was steeper than I had anticipated, but I maintained a slow, gear 1,1 type pace, shuffling upwards.  It was only 10minutes before I made it up the approximately 1/4 mile accent, but I felt as though I had left my morning drowsiness 20 miles behind.  Bounding with energy, I soaked in the view, and continued down the ridge, experiencing fully each piece of map I was covering, past the lilypad laden pond, past gazebos looking out towards the Mohonk House, and around the gardens where gardeners were up early to prune.  8:15am, I’m back in the room to shower.  A whole day lay ahead of me, but as I sit typing back in my 10×8 room in Park Slope, it is that run that has given today a sense of fulfillment.  Still, as 8pm rolled around, a sense of loneliness overcame me in my apartment, and it was the romantic notion of curling up with a book, and lead me back into my room, sensing comfort in words, rather than making an anonymous walk to the bar.  Tomorrow will be another beautiful day.

Topic: New York City, Mississippi, kids, summer vacation

D.J. was one of my students this past year.  He was 7 years old, in a 2nd-4th grade special education classroom.  He never smiled.  That was one of his most notable behaviors.  He walked in with a frown, and the main teacher (I was more of an assistant at the time) would say, “Is everything alright DJ?” and then remark how she never saw him smile.

Alex was another one of my students this year.  He was 10 years old, and in the same 2nd-4th grade classroom.  He was light-skinned, with long black hair, and proudly Peurto Rican.  He would pick up a book, any book, and say, “In Puerto Rico we read this book.”  Alex was illiterate, and couldn’t read a single children’s book on his own.

Dominasha was another student of mine.  She was also 10.  During writing, she would yell at me, “I’m not doing this.”  During reading, she would put her head down and sleep, or tell me she’d do it at home.  At the start of the school day, when the class was meant to be sitting as a group, she’d be off at a different table with her sugar drink and bag of chips.  “I’m not sitting on that dirty rug,” she’d comment.  Then I’d find her doing writing in some workbook she had from home.  I’d peak at it later, and realize that she was merely copying, “Copyright 1989, New York.”  On mother’s day, she wrote a poem in Spanish.  She speaks only English.  She didn’t seem to care when I pointed this out.

Ryann began the year in a 4th grade classroom.  She had her own para-professional to help her stay on task, since she often has behavioral problems, including acting violent towards other students, and disrespectful to teachers.  After accidentally hitting a teacher who attempted to break up a fight she was in, I became her teacher.  The first week she loved me, and couldn’t wait to help set up her new room.  Not long after, she was telling me, “I’m not staying in this stupid class.”  “Why you looking at me you black burnt biscuit,” she’d comment to another kid in the class, and then whack him in the head.  On at least 15 occasions I had to physically restrain her from chasing another student around the classroom, and deal with her scream, “get your f#%#in hands off me before I slap you.”  She nearly drove 3 paras out of our school.

One day, during morning meeting, as students were sharing their goals, I announced, “My goal is to be super positive!” in an overly excited tone.  DJ laughed.  Later that day, as DJ was playing the game Trouble, I asked him what he liked about the game.  After he told me, I said, “Wow, you could write a great story about that.”  He looked at me like I was a bit off, but I pulled him aside and told him to write about why he liked the game Trouble.  He took his time, asked me how his spelling was, and then wrote 4 sentences.  The other teachers were surprised.  “He’s never written that much before!” they exclaimed.

Alex continues to walk around with Don Quixote and other 500 page books, but eventually learns to sound out short words.  One day, reading a book about a monkey that loves spaghetti, Alex begins to figure out “ay” words, like play, may, day, and say.  “I can read!” he remarks, in a funny childish squeal. 

Ryann continues to drive others a bit insane with her language and physicalness.  Her mom comes in, a woman who I’d been told had threatened our principal, and who once walked into my classroom and shouted, “Who’s the kid whose been bothering my daughter.”  For weeks, I’d been trying to get her to come in to tell her that the special education committee and myself wanted to recommend her daughter to go to a different school with a more therapeutic tone to help her with a behavior.  It turns out the mom, after years of having phone calls home, had reached a similar conclusion.  I pray, for both her sake and our school, that she gets the help she needs.

My first year of working in a school was tough.  I had nightmares about some of these kids, woke up with severe anxiety most mornings, and felt exhausted and frustrated most of the time.  Kids need to learn simple respect, they need to learn how to read and count (many of their number skills are at 1st grade levels).   I recently road my bike through Red Hook, their community, and with new perspective realized how uninspiring the area looks (industrial, barbed wire, trash).  More to come…

This is me and Adria, my fellow teacher in crime, eating gaddo-gaddo pasta on a recent camping trip to Ricketts Glenn State Park, in Pa.  On Sunday, we’re flying down to Mississippi together to build some houses with the organization Habitat for Humanity. 

I’m in the midst of my summer vacation, having just finished up my first year of working as a teacher.  I’ve decided to restart posting on this blog after comments from a couple of friends who have asked about this.  This blog will now be in honor of my friends who find interest in reading whatever it is I have to say.  It’s also a new attempt for me to connect with people.  I want my writing to be brutally bold and honest, and I look forward to the potential to learn again from those who choose to respond here. 

Along with updates on life, I want to use this forum as my personal confessional.  I’m a person who is riddled with undiagnosed anxieties, depression, and also brilliance some may say (at least the girl in the picture seems to think there’s some good in me).  I want to learn more about my problems, and perhaps others will connect to what I am writing, and will shed some insite as I go along.  It’s not a cry for help, but an attempt to come out publicly about the problems I have, that I cannot really share verbally.  Writing will hopefully be my first step to me dealing with thoughts of not wanting to live anymore to escape the psychological pain that I am working so hard to cope with.  In fact, it is perhaps writing itself that is saving my life.  Daily, I now try to write, to capture the exact thoughts that lead me to such extreme negative thoughts, and from there, to begin to create the positive habits that can hopefully lead me to good mental health.

I have set a temporary goal of summer of ’08 for achieving some level of mental clarity and health.  This blog will help in that process, and will also be about my daily doings.  As a teacher of writing, I am trying to be more of a writer myself, even though I cannot fully reveal this writing to my school or my students, I can still be true to them by sharing how I do write as a means of helping myself through life’s challenges, and how I use it to build relationships and learn from others.  So please share your questions and comments.

Anyways, good to be back, for now.

-cheers.

Topic: In case anybody still reads this

Well, I’ve had an interesting range of experiences the last few months inside the classroom, and this job is definately more difficult than I had anticipated.  It has drained me emotionally and left me feeling incompetent and guilty for that, but I am also excited to see how time will get me past this challenging experience.

Topic: Update

I want to write a book reflecting on this year, and it hasn’t even been half as intense a year as I expected.  Except that mentally, it’s been an intense year of change.  My whole view of myself has radically been altered, my awareness heightened.  I can pinpoint anxiety and depression, happiness and creativity, meanness and sensitivity in myelf throughout the day.

My job requires me to repeatedly demand kids to spit out gum, to spend my time photocopying blank clocks for kids to practice writing time on, breaking up fights, calming down crying 10-yr. olds, stressing over what I am unable to teach, smiling over a game of checkers w/ that same kid over lunch, reading Matlida, showing a random Nextflix documentary about street kids in Romania, playing therapist to other teachers in crisis, stealing ideas from the internet and veteran teachers (hoor-ay for a profession that requires copying), waking up wanting to puke and never going to school again, followed by having a relatively rewarding day, teaching dance, running after runaway students, using reverse psychology (“I don’t want you to do my work, just sit there and do nothing all period”), and constant reflection. 

It’s a damn complext profession, and I’m grateful for 3 days of professional development this week, including a trip to Portland, Maine for the Expeditionary Learning Outward Bound national conference..  Then, one more week of work, till 10 days off for vacation.  I’m off to Portland, Oregon with my new girlfriend, who is amazing in every way, and inspires me daily.

And I’ve started doing yoga, and am loving it.  Slow, and meditative, and stretching out my body.  So good.  Baseball is around the corner, I can smell the grass at Shea!