June 20, 2005
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i have no site for the future…no goals, no ambitions. i can’t really be taken seriously right now. my cousin and her husband were over…this guy is 24, has his shit together, job, wife, place, and a head-on-his-shoulders.
that’s what i don’t have…i have no head on my shoulders. there was a time i thought i was still developing…but i’m starting to feel that i stopped at 13. i became trapped in my head. i’m slowly cutting myself off from loved ones, not intentionally, i just don’t know how to act any other way. i’m not a fun-easy going little brother anymore. i have trouble making eye-contact w/ people at times.
i’ve grown a small bit of passion for job hunting…companies in boston and maine, i’ve been home doing nothing for nearly a month now, i wonder how long this stretch might get. being in my hometown is absolutely miserable…especially w/out a car i’m locked into a 1mile radius, all i do is walk around the block sometimes, nowhere to go. i can go into nyc…but everyone works during the day, and all i do is sit in some bookstore anyway.
i sleep more than i need to, usually because i just don’t want to be awake. i don’t want to be awake so much. i cross my fingers that some of this turns around once i’m working…because i can’t survive a life like this. i just got offered a teen tour job for aug., and rather than feel excited i felt dread…i don’t want to be around people so much, even if i could get a free trip all over the west coast.
i think i’m writing all this document…see if things can really stay this bad.
