May 23, 2005

• Topic: all grown up and nowhere to go

  
  

  So…the accent has faded.  The attempt to be a “new person,” has faded.  I feel like I was just Tom Hanks in the movie Big for a few days, literally creating trying on new voices in my head.  And when push came to shove, all of those voices were more mature, and they were saying things like, “Mate, it’s time to suck it up and start a life,” and, “Look at what a pig-sty your room is, clean that shit up.”  I woke up this morning afraid to walk downstairs.  Would I just be how I was the last few months, unable to pay attention to anything, trying to view life through my own special lens that I could never really express to anyone? 

  
  

  But…somehow, this morning I felt both myself, and both a changed person as a result of all these conversations I’ve been having with these strange older and foreign characters.  I think my problem, to put it bluntly, is I’ve been very existential.  I guess my understanding of existentialism is that nothing in this world is for real, except as I see it.  And, so I came to create my own reality, much of which overlapped the realities of others.  For example, many of my criticisms of education I found to be validated by many leading educational types, however, I have come to see how in many other ways my thinking about “what it means to exist,” and other questions have led me down a lonely path, which have in fact isolated me from that real world which i have sometimes drifted from.

  
  

  So…that lack of “connection” I was experiencing, I think this is what it was.  Literally, I disconnected myself from how the rest of the world thinks.  And, I don’t mean what they think about, or the various opinions people think about, but I mean the actual way in which people think. 

  
  

  For example, in the past I might see two people having a political conversation.  And I might think to myself, “This conversation is irrelevant since neither of these people know all the factors involved, and therefor aren’t experts enough to be discussing this.  Also, they will never be in a situation to influence the topic in which they’re discussing, and so ultimately, this is conversation has 0 value.”  Yes…this is what I’d be thinking, and so I’d actually be disconnecting myself from the conversation and the opportunity to actually come to understand and follow what it is these people were discussing. 

  
  

  And…ultimately, while my views aren’t so out there, life is not all about effecting things.  I think that’s what thenarrator posted to me once, “Don’t worry about affecting other so much.”  And now that actually has a lot more weight for me now, not just thinking about how my work my affect others, but thinking about how my every second has purpose.  And clearly, not every moment of my life does have purpose, and while I have thought such grand ideas about helping others, it is mostly while sitting behind a computer typing, and so it’s been over a year since I’ve really done any kind of “service” to humanity.  But…service comes in many forms, and service itself is not the end-all and be-all of humanity.

  
  

  I haven’t necessarily lost my idealism.  I still thinks it’s great for people to go to Africa and help starving children, or to work in rural or urban America teaching those who are economically disadvantaged.  But…I’ve come to realize that while society has come to define certain problems as the biggest problems, and certain forms of work as the most heroic, all problems are severe and all work can be viewed as heroic.  And that’s not an existential statement.  While AIDS may be a bigger problem than general melancholy, perhaps in size, severity, and (well…you tell me why AIDS is a bigger problem than melancholy…), an individual dying of AIDS is perhaps in as tragic a situation as an individual passing through life in a depressed state.  In addition, spending one’s time helping to feed African’s can and perhaps should be viewed as as noble (one of those rare occassions there it’s ok to use the same word twice, “as as” just though i’d note)…as putting a smile on a child’s face in a school, summer camp, or just spending time with your family.

  
  

  So, to bring this back to the idea of affecting (another grammar thing, “a”ffect is for verbs, “e”ffect is for nouns, just learned that difference), there’s really nothing to dwell on.  Period. 

  
  

  And all this has literally lifted a shield off my mind.  I can focus and pay attention more, without my mind wandering and thinking nonsensical things that serve only to distract me from what is actually going on. 

  
  

  The flip side of all this, is that I feel I have to somehow make up for lost time, for so many things heard, seen, and read, and rather than processed in a way that both makes sense for me and others, processed in my own cryptic way that now makes even little sense to me.  In addition, I have lost a bit of my wanderlust.  Travelling no longer appeals to me as it once did, and this might only be because I’m thinking like an adult and realize that I want to start a profession, build stable relationships, and most importantly, receive health insurance and 100% financial independence.  These are things I never fully internalized as important, because in my world, “9 to 5 just doesn’t fit into my worldview, and experiences alone are all that matter.”  As it turns out, that philosophy has led to me coming back home because I was cutting myself off from reality into that world of, “this is how the world looks to me.” 

  
  

  It’s like I was always considering option D, when only A, B, and C were available.  And it’s not to say that there aren’t still ways of living and making a living that will suit my interests, but, I need to think in more of an adult way.  Or, as Johnny Depp put it in Finding Neverland (it was in the bonus features), the aim is to become adults, without growing up.  Taking on responsibility, but keeping some of the kid in us.

  
  

  People talk a lot about living a life w/ no regrets, so when they’re old and dying they’ll be in peace.  Odds are, the types of regrets you’re likely to have are having unresolved arguments, or maybe being a better parent.  I’m not sure.  Since college, the idea of living an unordinary life was what drove me.  I didn’t want to grow up to feel ordinary.  Perhaps that was an unwritten goal of mine.  The idea of getting the most out of everyday of life…although how does one do that really?

  
  

  Anyways…my dilemma now is thinking about the future.  I feel a bit more normal now, and am eager to find a way to make a living.  I feel as though my past has not been a complete nothing, which is a strange thing for me to think, but doing things and having the personality to fully recall and make those things a part of you are two COMPLETELY different things.  For example, the difference between graduating college and feeling like a college graduate. 

  
  

  I think a large part of my problem, has been minimizing my experiences.  Letting all the seemingly unimportant things in life slide through me.  The problem is that while my personality was frustrating me, I couldn’t and didn’t know what to do about it. 

  
  

  And…perhaps that’s one of the lessons I hope to take away from all this, and it’s a lesson I’ve thought before.  You can’t always blame people for who they are.  Troublemakers.  Bad students.  Wanderers.  For most, there’s some reason behind it, although they may not even know.  For me…I’d love the opportunity to be 19 again, and to have the clarity of thought I’m feeling right now.  I might have been a brighter person than I am now, but ultimately, we play w/ the hand we’re dealt. 

  
  

  So…now I can truly focus on the one major task in my life of figuring out my year.  It’s like choosing a college all over again, minus all the direction and support you have as a high school senior.

  • 2:27 pm
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