April 11, 2005
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Topic: trying to dig out of a ditch
I’m starting to feel more and more human by the day. I’m scraping bottom w/ my ideas for improving education in some way. Not that i don’t have ideas…i’ve just hit a friggin’ wall with what to do about it.
That haunted me the past 5-days. Oh yeah, i just finished a 5-day outward bound course, which was a big deal for the kids who did it, but for me, it was mostly 5-days stuck on the notion that I drove my car (my life) into a mudpit, the tires spinning, but the car going nowhere.
This morning I confessed my struggled to an instructor…and it was much more difficult than writing. I nearly balled my eyes out, maybe out of embarassment, maybe out of frustration. I’ve begun to focus on all my negatives and limitations in life, and it’s been hard to see anything passed that. I wish I wasn’t so serious so much of the time.
Anyways…the last few hours i’ve done nothing but sit on the back porch of our staff house, listen to Johny Clegg (memories of S. Africa), let the sun hit me, and start getting back to the drawing board. I’m in a funk…a funk I haven’t experienced since I had to go to summer school my last semester in college, and I need to find the silver lining.
So…i’m trying to get back to specifics on what I hope to bring to Outward Bound, since i’m having a hard time communicating that to anyone. I’m trying to enjoy the now right now…think less about my life, and more about life, about music, sports, movies.
I guess this is the quarterlife crisis. I’m not sure how I will make a living more than 3-6mos. down the road. I’m not sure if I will get closer or further from my old friends, and my family. I’m not sure if I will live abroad, or near home. I’m not sure if i’ll find what i’m looking for w/in Outward Bound. What if I abandon education altogether and began a completely new life chapter…scary thoughts…
Comments (1)
You sound about like me… I’m frustrated wondering what on earth I’m doing in this life, and facing the fact that I’m leaving school after this semester. I’ve told everyone it’s only for a year, but I feel it’s going to be far more than that. As in, I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to college. And I don’t know what I’ll be doing…
But, you know, it works out, as cliche as that sounds. Especially when you do “live in the now” as you mentioned. More and more, I realize that it’s simply people that matter, the people that are around me at this point.
Blessings.