April 5, 2005
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Topic: confession
For the first time in my life…i’m seriously unhappy. it’s been going on for a while now, and now i know it’s real. i’m not myself, i’m thinking too much about trying to be happy. and it’s not a medical unhappiness, or a permanent unhappiness, or a natural 20-something unhappiness. it’s just a personal unhappiness.
imagine dreaming about playing in the nba, and then waking up one day and realize that you’re not even dribbling a basketball anymore. it’s like…”what the hell happened?” actually…i keep having a dream like that. i wrestled in high school, and didn’t in college. i continually have dreams where i show up to visit wrestling practice, and i’m supposed to be working hard towards a good season, but then i realize, i chose to not play that year. i think this dream maybe tells me that i gave up something important when i didn’t wrestle in high school.
but more relevant to my life now, this dream tells me that there’s a dream i’m still supposed to be pursuing, but i’m not. I went back through my blog and teared up a bit. i have completely strayed from my personal mission. i thought coming back to outward bound would be the natural thing to do, and it still isn’t necessarily a bad choice, it was definately a practical one considering what other options i created for myself. But…doing 5-day camping trips w/ high school students to teach them life skills and provide them a unique experience to reflect on life, is great, and yet absolutely not aligned w/ College Daze, w/ addressing the college crisis.
My book just arrived here…and most of the instructors seem fairly interested. i don’t think it’s common to write a book like i did. i still have this potential to do something big. i really need to turn this slump into an opportunity, to really put myself out there. but…that’s what i meant to do all along, my energy alone has gotten me into this mess i’m facing. i need a plan, and soon…
