April 5, 2005
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Topic: it’s not really that bad
So…i’ve recently been writing and deleting posts. i’ve been confessing lots of things, that i can’t bare to share on this site, mostly because I don’t want certain people to read things, but also because I simply don’t want to show this depressing side of me. So…i write it all out, feel better, and delete.
it’s strange, considering how for so long i was preaching about happiness, as if i held its recipe. maybe i deluded myself. it’s not camping that makes me happy, not working w/ kids, not good weather, not freedom from work. i think happiness is more a feeling of belonging, in some way, shape, or form. right now…if any one of a number of my oldest friends walked into the room, i’d be bubbling. maybe it’s the familiar i crave. but i don’t think that’s exactly it.
i think a probem for me is that i think about things, and write about things, that i can’t easily translate into conversation. i love music, but don’t enjoy talking about it. i love participating in sports, and watching it, but no longer care to discuss sports. for a while i passionately discussed politics on this site, but i shy away from discussions. i’ve become (i’ve actually always been, but i’m noticing it more now) self-conscious around people.
but…at times, i find myself being extremely social, and not being able to shut-up. it’s partly my attitude, partly the people i’m around, partly what’s on my mind.
you know what…this isn’t getting me anywhere, i’m at least gonna dive into a book, to make me feel alive again.
i hope in a week when i post again about my course, i have a re-born attitude, and something tangible to write about besides what’s doing in my head.
Comments (4)
i feel ya mean…this happens to me all the time….
I think that you are right when you talk about a sense of belonging. That’s all most of us are looking for anyway. Do not be discouraged. Maybe you are trying to find out where it is that suits you. I can’t really sit here, without knowing you, and offer advice. Curing this feeling is different for everyone. You will find what it is that brings happiness back into your life again. You will find what is missing.
Dan – you do belong. you’re a jew.
DUH!
haha. wait, you’re jewish?!?! just kidding! i love jews! anyway…….
you are definitely not alone in these circumstances. sometimes its just so strange and unfulfilling and embarrassing and depressing to vent what your soul/mind really needs to get out. and sometimes the only way to do it, is to kill it once it is all out.
chin up, all will be as it should with time.
namaste