March 13, 2005

• TOPIC: just journaling

  
  

  So…I came back to my friend’s apt. in Baltimore for the weekend.  So many days I spent just sitting on the computer, thinking, writing, reading other people’s sites, all the time feeling simply as though I wasn’t really going anywhere.  I spent more time w/ the computer than w/ people.

  
  

  I had two really good conversations yesturday.  I’ve recently caught up w/ an old friend, and we had a long talk about a wide range of topics.  This one talk helped put a lot of things in perspective for me regarding finding balance in life. 

  
  

  “Today is perfect.  Today is ideal.  Today is the best days of our lives.”  We were talking about how people get nostalgic…things were better when people played in the streets on not on video games, but things were also worse when people couldn’t communicate on cell phones and through the internet.  If we’re always searching for something better, we may never be satisfied.  So embrace today.

  
  

  We also discussed comfort zones.  It has become natural to criticize our culture, although, in most cases, what people criticize is other people’s cultures within our culture.  “Too many people are addicted to technology.”  “Too many people are obsessed with their jobs.”  “Too many people never travel.”  We make these judgements about others, without taking into consideration what makes them comfortable. 

  
  

  Pick up any spiritual type book or magazine, and it’ll talk about “getting more out of life,” as if people can say, I’m getting more than you are out of life.  What does it mean to get more out of life?

  
  

  My friend said he enjoys working long hours.  He enjoys the challenge.  Most people end up working in an office, and they are highly satisfied w/ the work they are doing.  My search in life is not a universal search, but a personal one.  There are varying ways to get the most out of life.

  
  

  I keep thinking of Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting…he had all this potential to be “great” at something, but was using his abilities.  He could have done “so much” with his life, as if being a sheep herder or doing construction did not constitute doing “so much.”

  
  

  Anyways…another part of the conversation revolved around comfort of being in one place.  The comforts of home, of family, of the familiar.  Since college, I’ve been jumping from place to place…does this mean that I am never content w/ one place?  Does this mean I’ve been constantly unhappy?  Or…is does the act of moving around represent my comfort zone?  Maybe that’s my constant, seeing new places, new people.  Movement is what excites me.

  
  

  In the last week or so…I’ve begun to take life less seriously.  When I was thinking about politics everyday, I walked around in a haze.  I thought, “everything looks ok outside, but I know the world is actually in a bad state.”  I thought about all these things I couldn’t see that were real, all the ugliness in the world. 

  
  

  Now…I have been unable to follow or pay attention to politics.  The Social Security debate rages on, and I know nothing of it.  When John Muir did his hike across Australia, he was probably the only person on the planet to not know about 9/11.  Politics matters and doesn’t matter at the same time!  I have to rely on others to be informed to mold the world in a “good” way. 

  
  

  Question…so many people criticize capitalism because of America’s use of it, especially regarding foreign policy.  I was reading that 6% of the US economy is a war economy, even when we’re not at war.  But…what about Switzerland, or other countries who are just doing their thing peacefully?  Capitalism as an ideology is not wrong…the people running it have simply done so in a war-on-their minds manner.

  
  

  My life has been given meaning through the existence of problems.  If we had a world w/ no poverty, no disease, where everyone lived forever, where would we get meaning and purpose from?  I believe people do altruistic things partially because they want to eradicate them, but, mostly out of a psychological need to feel like they have purpose.  Because…being compassionate “feels good.”  I was reading in Utne magazine about how the brain reacts to feelings of compassion.  They put probes on the brain of a buddhist monk, and even when they showed him gory images of burn victims, rather than register negative emotions, the side of the brain that registers joy would light up, because the monk immediately felt compassion towards that person.  Maybe…we’re psychologiclly wired to be altruistic.

  
  

  To further make myself an open book…I have viewed my life as a living story.  Out of certain psychological needs, I have chosen to pursue a life that has the appearance of adventure, of compassion, of importance.  I’m not really an altruistic or adventurous person, I generally act in order to gain some other benefit.  Maybe to feel good.  Maybe to have a good story.  Maybe to challenge myself.

  
  

  I’ve seen myself bounce from being an idealist, to being a realist, to being somewhere in between.  In more of a balance.  I do still have concerns…because w/out idealists who put their own lives at risk, life might not be as good as it is for many people.

  
  

  I was also browsing a magazine called Tikun, which I believe stands for repairing the world in Hebrew.  In one article, they mentioned how the shofar, the rams horn blown on Rosh HaShana, the Jewish New Year, is meant to “awaken us from our slumber.”  I’ve often argued the same thing…that we “sleepwalk” through life.  I feel less adamant about that now…why is sleepwalking necessarily the wrong way to live life. 

  
  

  I think…psychologically, I have experienced more “joy” doing certain things and living a certain way, versus other ways.  Ultimately…I think the goal of life is to experience the most joy.  He who dies w/ the most joy wins…that sort of thing. 

  
  

  On another note…I’ve recently come face-to-face w/ the reality that I am a meta-thinker, and I hate using phrases that I’m not really sure about, but, I think my head is generally not in the moment, instead, I’m thinking about the moment.  Instead of watching a tv show, I’m thinking about what it means to be watching tv.  Instead of being fully involved in a conversation, I’m thinking about my role in the conversation.

  
  

  Recently…I’ve been becoming more observant of things.  Thinking less about myself as a central character, and more as just a part of everything. 

  
  

  Well…now I’m kind of rambling.  My posts are rarely pre-thought out, I just right what I’m thinking at that moment.

  
  

  Last night I watched the movie the mosquito about killer life-size mosquitos.  Scary shit.

  
  

   

  • 11:58 am
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