January 17, 2005

• Dear kids,

  
  

  Yes…at the root of my journaling, is the realization that it is an attempt to record the history of my existance.  At some point, you may find yourself wandering through these thoughts, and maybe it will better help you understand your dad, or maybe it will help you better understand yourself, and the world I brought you into. 

  
  

  A lot of my more personal writings I haven’t put here, I have real journals for that, and maybe, those too will be available for you to read.  I don’t know when it will be appropriate, probably when you’re old enough to ask for yourself.  Old enough to wonder who I am, and who I was at 19, 21, 23…

  
  

  The voice you’re reading is just one of my many voices.  It’s my serious, reflective, contemplative voice.  If I could, I’d write about how I actually live day-to-day and the conversations I have, and you’d probably laugh a lot more.  I wish I wrote more about that life, about drinking, and farting, and just being stupid a lot.  I think it’s hard for me to mix those two world sometimes, and when I’m writing, I’m thinking, and when I’m thinking, I kind of push out laughter. 

  
  

  I definately censor my writing, knowing people are reading.  Even in the comfort of being anonymous in the internet, I still feel limitations on who I am, and what I write.  Always thinking…how will I be judged, and seen? 

  
  

  Maybe I should make you my audience for now on.  Or at least add you to my audience.  I’ll imagine you to be 17 or so, old enough to be my younger brother/sister now, but in time, my grown up child. 

  
  

  Well my child…I’m off to work in a few minutes.  Who would’ve thought I’d be waiting tables at this stage of my life?  Man…did I ever flop on that book thing, I seriously thought I’d sell 500 books, that was my goal, I saw it like it was real, and I failed.  But you know what, nothing bad happened, and it was actually a cool experience.  And it’s opened up so many doors for me.  So let that be a lesson to you.

  
  

  This week I’m going to go visit the indoor climbing gym in Baltimore.  I gotta keep my youthful spirit alive, you know?  I plan on living somewhere outdoorsy, so it’ll be effortless to go climbing on an almost daily basis, or hiking, or kayaking.  Life hasn’t been easy for me, living in such non-exotic places.  It has pretty much limited me to the indoors.  To tv, computers, and just wandering around the house daydreaming.  I haven’t reflected much on myself as daydreamer, but I’ve done tons of it.  Literally hours wasted dreaming of things I’d love to be doing, only to wake up and be back where I was. 

  
  

  I haven’t always been a daydreamer.  I’ve lived out some of my dreams.  Even this period of my life, I’ll probably look back on and not think it was too bad.  I got to be a loaf, living off my friends for a bit, just reading books.  The spirit of the beat generation, although, I’m doing it alone, and not really knowing what I’m doing. 

  
  

  Well…I’m glad I had this little post, I hope you enjoyed it.  Off to make a buck.  I’ve already been thinking of the things I want to get, maybe climbing shoes, a harness, if all goes well at the gym. 

  • 4:51 pm
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