Living a life that is meaningful to you is much more fun than trying to make others see why it is meaningful (unless they genuinely want to know).
thanks C, for the quote!
Topic: 2 more days!!!
It’s a strange but nice feeling to be going through your own life transition. On Friday, I’ll be done with my stint as an office manager, which I’ll probably reflect on in a year or so in a completely different way than it seems now. It’s strange in the sense that I’m the only person leaving, unlike school or most of my previous jobs that were seasonal and so had set end dates.
I was musing this morning about the kind of teacher I would like to be, and actually had a dream about working at camp again. In the dream, a kid shoved me into the pool with all my clothes on, and I wasn’t sure how to react. I’m not the confrontation or revenge type, nor the lecturer type (when I was about 16, I did respond to another camper pouring a cup of water on my sleeping bag with dumping an entire gatorade tank on his tent while he was sleeping!)
In my dream, I pulled the kid aside, but I really didn’t care, in the same way I could tell he didn’t care when he pushed me, and didn’t care what I said. Just kind of laughed about it, but tried to reason w/ him why it could’ve been bad, like if I had a phone in my pocket, or something.
I remembered something I thought about a lot while on my Outward Bound course. That there is often no “one-right way,” to do something. The object is to do something so that it works. There might be better ways of doing things, but often discovering that no your own is as acceptable as having someone show you how.
I’ll be teaching elementary special ed, and as my mom puts it, “little kids, little problems,” so I’m not worried so much about difficult kids, although I still imagine a classroom of wild disrespectful kids. I think about what it means to be a teacher, what it means for these kids to be students, and what we’re all trying to do as people.
As someone who has ranted a good deal about education, it might sound strange to hear me say this, but teaching is a job, first and foremost. It’s a way to make a living. If your principal doesn’t like you, he can fire you. The principal is judged based on certain standards, and so I need to stay within those standards.
I’m beginning to recall more and more the way my friends and I used to test teachers, and how we could care less what they had to say about either the subject, or life in general. I have to know that as a teacher, my job is to ATTEMPT to help as many students as I can.
The real reason I am interested in teaching, is I love working in social environments. I can’t wait to work in a place where something is happening every day, where I can have my emotions stirred.
The program I’m in has an online forum where new teachers can discuss issues, and I’ve already gotten a good taste for the different personalities. People who are scared, lost, and overwhelmed by the process. People who have already found schools and are interested in teaching and classroom management strategies. People thinking about part-time jobs to supplement their income. People relocating who don’t know Brooklyn from Staten Island. People just graduating, and those concerned about taking a massive paycut late in their lives. Again I’m reminded, whatever works. There’s no one personality for teaching.
They say that every job you work, you learn both what you like and what you don’t. A part of me still wants to be everything, and doesn’t like the idea that there are things I’m not good at, or not interested in. This past year has been mostly unmemorable workwise, and although I was in a low-level position, I feel like I do better making my contribution to society directly to people. I would rather spend the next 30 years working with kids, than trying to get into a position of changing education policy. I would rather work with kids, than be in an office talking about them.
Topic: Last week of work & fun times in Atlantic City
It’as 10:15am this monday morning, and I had an opportunity to read through some recent journals I have, and there was this refreshing feeling I had as I read some questions I wrote back in January, “What the hell am I going to do after this job?” I’m enjoying the moment of the transition, of leaving a job that I didn’t enjoy, and the anticipation of a job that I know will not be all roses, but will certainly bring a world of personal satisfaction to me. Just walking to the office this morning, I felt this weight off my shoulders, this feeling that I can handle meaningless office work now, because I know it ends on Friday!!!
In other good news, I won $130 playing roulette Sunday in Atlantic City. Went down w/ my sister and two friends by bus, which cost only $11 r/t after they give you a $20 coupon. And ended the day w/ a free buffet we got for sitting through a short time-share thing, which was pretty hilarious actually (the time share salesman, not the buffet).
Topic: soccer, new jobs, moving along
I took off the last two days of work to look into teaching opportunities. Getting into the NYC Teaching Fellows assures me of a position in a school come fall, but I actually need to find the school. On Wed., I went to the Churchill school where a friend of mine teaches elementary special ed. The school is public but receives private funds as well, is mostly white, nice facilities, small class sizes (around 8:1 student:teacher ratio).
First of all, just being in a school was a blast for me. I enjoy being around young people and new faces, and in the first two hours, before I would be at my office on a normal day, I was abuzz with excitement. The kids were working on phonics and basic math skills, and I had the opportunity to teach a few kids how to play soduku, a number logic game. There was so much to observe.
The kid w/ behavior issues,
“Can I burn my homework when I’m done?” “I’m bored, can I go to gym?” “I poked myself in the eye with my pencil, can i go to the nurse?”
The gifted kid,
“Why do I have to show work, I can do all these problems in my head.”
The overeager kid, with her hand raised and spinning out of control, “I know, I know, I know.”
I stayed until recess, which was on the roof of the building where the kids were kids as we know them. Running into the padded walls, starting fights playing soccer because the teams weren’t fair, misplacing their jackets right as recess ended.
It was everything working in an office isn’t. For the record, it’s time to get out of a job when after 2hours you’re officially jumping out of your skin to do something FUN and INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After, I went down to Sierra Nevada’s, THE soccer bar in NYC. I got there around 12:30, 2 hours before the Champions League final between Arsenal and Barcelona. By 1:30pm, the doors were closed, the bar packed, the singing in action.
“There’s only ONE, Dennis Bergkamp, only ONE, Dennis Bergkamp, walking along, singing his song, walking in a Bergkamp wonderland!”
“We love you Freddie, because you’ve got red hair, we love you Freddie, because you’re everywhere, we love you Freddie, you’re Arsenal though-and-through.” (the the tune of I Love You Baby)
The crowd was mostly for Arsenal, although a number of people were there to support the Spanish side. Early in the game, Barca had a breakway stopped by Jens Lehman, the Arsenal goalie, who took the player out in the process, resulting in a red card. Only 20min. in, and Arsenal were down to 10-men, which of course, led to the Arsenal fans chearing, “We only need…10 men. We only need…10 men.”
Before the first half ended, Sol Campbell of Arsenal headed one in off an Henry penalty kick, sending me into a moshpit of hugging and screaming. It was 1-0 at the half.
Rain came down in the second half, and with 15minutes left, we were all starting to sense that European glory was hours. One of Barca’s forwards slipped through our defense and angles a shot past our back-up goalie Almunia, resulting in a deafening silence in one side of the bar, and a distant eruption from the Spanish side. Only 5min. later, Barcelona netted another, and for the last 10min. we were left numb, realizing how far we’d come, how close we were, and how painful this loss would be.
I left the bar, exhausted from singing and drinking pints of Carlsberg and remembering what it felt to live in London. I found myself in Union Square, lying in the grass, staring upwards, as I had done in numerous London parks. Despite the tough loss, the day was glorious.
On Thur. I took another day to examine schools. I attended a job fair in Brooklyn for Region 5, which is the area close to JFK airport, and is the region that is often most difficult to staff. There were principals from a few schools, and allowed for a couple of opportunities to set-up future school visits and interviews. The highlight for me was the first principal of a school called the Horizon Academy, which is located on Riker’s Island. For those of you who don’t know, the largest prison in NYC. The school is for those 19-21 awaiting court dates, and an opportunity for them to work towards their GED. I’ll probably visit, although still looking into a list of other public schools.
This weekend i’ll be getting a guided tour of brooklyn, as i’m leaning more towards living there this fall, and heading down to AC w/ this sis on sunday so my sis can get free stuff listening to timeshare things, and i get my free food buffet.
Perhaps the greatest movie ever, with Adam Sandler in it.
Actually, this is Adam Sandler like you’ve never seen him before, playing Barry Egan, a depressed, socially anxious, eccentric, plunger salesman, who finds himself falling in love with a cute English woman, who doesn’t see Barry’s tendencies to occassinoally destroy public bathrooms, shatter windows, and punch holes in walls. Mixed into the story is an innocent phone sex call gone bad, as the operator steals Barry’s personal information and tracks him down for money, and a scheme to buy enough Healthy Choice pudding to earn a free flight to Hawaii.
This movie is so unexpected it’ll have you rolling. Watch it i say.
i have about 8 more days of work left…taking of wed. to visit a school, and to watch the Champions League finals at Sierra Nevada’s, around 2pm. that shall be exciting.
went to Williamsburg, Bklny sat. night w/ a friend for his b-day to a place called Barcade, a hole in the wall bar w/ retro video games like PacMan and Rampage. Lots of fun but definately not the scene i’m used to. Need to explore more of Brooklyn the next few weekends, as that’s where i’m likely to be teaching, and depending on how things go, i might see if i can survive there on a teacher’s salary come fall. I know as many people in Park Slope as i know in any other part of the city, so i may be game for that. Will get through the summer first to see where i’m working.
mets vs. cardinals the next 3 nights, will be an important series for us on the road.
Topic: wonderful sparta, nj
It’s nearly 4am, just got back from one of my good friend’s law school graduation parties. It was a surprise party, his mom and girlfriend organized a van to pick a group us of up from the NYU law school, and drove us to his family friend’s house where he’s staying post-finals.
Let me tell you, this place was possibly the nicest house I’ve ever been to, it felt like we’d won an episode of the Apprentice. In the middle of Jersey mountains, up a private road, to a massive house with initialed front gates. We walk around to the backyard, jaws dropped. Tiki bar, pool with jacuzzi attached and a waterfall flowing into it. But best of all, inside, a movie viewing room, complete with several massive leather recliners and full-wall projection screen. Then there was the food. Waiters serving roast beef smothered in butter, shrimp the size of your head, and pigs in a blanket. It was heaven.
But I was truly excited for my friend, although he’ll soon be moving back to California to practice law. It’s pretty exciting, because he’s been set on this career since he was 10. It’s as if his whole life has been building towards something, and not many people I know feel that way. Plus, he’s just wickedly smart and one of the nicest guys I know.
In other news, I recently collapsed a friendship with a female friend, who I actually met through xanga. She e-mailed me back in dec., we hung out a few times, completely casual, lots in common. We added in some fun and still managed to keep things friendly, cooking dinners, movies, date type things, but it wasn’t a relationship in that sense.
Nothing specific happened, except I guess I lost interest in things I guess. She’s contacting me to do all sorts of fun things, and I’m not responding, not out of spite, not out of any deliberate intent to cut her out, but obviously a part of me was uncomfortable about something…I’m not really good at sorting out those sorts of things. As I expected, she got pissed, called me a jerk for not responding to her calls, e-mails, IMs, and said she was removing me from her phone, e-mail, IM. Which is fair enough, and in the long run, probably for the best.
I think it’s interesting how technology both helped me gain a friend, and ultimately, the end of this friendship was signified by a cutting off of technology, the phone, e-mail, IM thing.
In some ways i’m losing out, because she was a pretty cool chick, outdoorsy and all, but the whole friends w/ fun thing, it was just bound to get dicey. The focus is now where it needs to be, finding the one, and i’m optimistic that teaching will bring me into contact w/ lots of interesting and attractive ladyfriends.
Tom. I shall be searching for mad music, please share any must-have recommendations.
Topic: Brothers McMullen
Since I’ve bought a new laptop, I’ve been inhaling movies. Last night, I watched Brothers McMullen, about 3 Irish Catholic brothers living under one roof on Long Island. Each one forced to deal with their own issues of sex, love, and relationships.
The storylines, from oldest to youngest:
Oldest – married, but when an attractive friend turns on the seduction, he’s forced to deal with his physical desires. His fidelity to his wife breaks down, as he ultimately caves to a woman who is, at the same time, only concerned for her own physical desires. At one point, the husband comments, “I’ll deal with guilt later, but take the pleasure now.” He gets the 3rd degree from his younger brother, who calls him on his sinning (although he himself has recognized his own sinful actions with regards to sex before marriage).
Middle – 25yr. old male, writer, moves back home. Has never been in love. Perhaps afraid to commit, perhaps just hasn’t met the woman he’s looking for. Discovers himself turning a friendly relationship with a W. Village woman whose apartment he was looking to rent, into a fling that develops quicker than he’d like.
Youngest – dating a Jewish girl while in college, he freaks when she suggests moving in and marriage. With coaxing from brother middle, he decides to end the relationship, but then begins to desire what he has just given up. He tells her the reason he can’t be with her is because his Catholic upbrining says he cannot live with a woman he’s not married to (although he’s already knocked her up before marriage). They eventually get back together, which makes him happy for about a minute, before he sees again that this isn’t what he wants. This time, she ends it, “besides, you’re not Jewish and won’t convert.” Ultimately, he then finds a new girl, an old friend from school, and they fall in love and drive off to California together.
Overall, an enjoyable movie, will give it 2 thumbs up.
Saw the movie Paradise Now last night, which is a story about two Palestinian’s chosen for a suicide mission into Israel. The story portrays the competing perspectives amongst Palestinians towards their political and economic situation with the Israelis. Throughout the film the two bombers demonstrate the struggle to reconcile the competing ideas for how to better the Palestinian cause.
Ultimately, attitude, as much as anything, effects the individual view. The bombers in the movie continuously describe their situation as “death on earth,” and they speak of a life with no justice. In this view, the only way to gain equality with Israel is to bring them to death. A warped view in my mind, but when one ascribes equality and justice over life itself, this view justifies itself. To the bombers, their efforts are all part of their struggle against the Israeli occupation. The movie also depicts those living in the same Palestinian refugee camps (I believe of the West Bank), who do believe in diplomatic means, and who believe Palestinian violence encourages and justifies Israeli actions upon the Palestinians.
The movie made me reflect on the curiosities of geography. Israel is a piece of land about the size of New Jersey, and yet it’s importance in history and in the world today in magnificant. I sleep and wake in quiet Long Island, commute to and work in urban New York City, and life here seems so neighborly. Then I reflect on the underlying racial tensions and violent crimes that still occur here, the murders that we tune out no the news the way Israelis have learned to do with suicide bombers.
I’m excited to be going to Israel in Aug. I just booked my flight, will be spending 2 weeks in the Be’er Sheva, in the Negeve Desert, about 1hours southeast of Tel Aviv. My friend Ilan, a nature guide, who I met working at a camp, will be taking me hiking and perhaps introducing me to some of the conflict, as he has some pretty developed views about this, and within this past year had been called up to the army to defend borders. I’m looking forward to this injection of life.
Tom. I give my 2 weeks notice at work, then begins the process of finding a job in the NYC school system. I think that might be the inection of life from 9-5 that has been sucked from me for almost 11 months now. I truly want to love this experience.
rollercoastering, self-destructive, self-loathing, antsy, behind grade level, does not play well with others, disorganized, distracted, does not finish work in a timely fashion, disrespetful to others, poor writing skills, acts up for no reason, built up anger, class clown, talented but undisciplined, doesn’t seem to care anymore, could do so much more if they applied themselves…………………………………………………………………………………………………….