Topic: Beuller “YOU’RE NOT DYING…YOU JUST CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING GOOD TO DO!!!”

Going to see a showing of Ferris Beuller’s day off tonight…quite possibly my favorite movie of all time. 

Donig my first slalom kayaking race this weekend, should be interesting.

Starting to plan a late Oct. – early Nov. vacation.  Thinking about hiking Mt. Washington, the tallest peak in the NE, which isn’t that high, only 6,000+, but should be an interesting experience.  Just need to figure out some logistics, and how to make a good healthy week out of it. 

I’m thinking more about travelling again…in between serious plans and just buying a ticket and winging it.  There’s much anxiety behind this trip…since I have no life direction really career wise and this is surely just putting that off, but…I believe travelling will open things up for me again.  It’s such a difficult thing to do…not like going to Chicago for a weekend, it’s a full commitment, an uprooting of sorts.

But…time is sort of running out for me.  I travelled at 22 straight out of college, that felt ok, not I’m looking to go at 24 1/2, my 3rd year out of college.  For me it feels like, “hey…what are you doing kid?” but…at the same time, there’s never a bad time to travel.  And…it’s my passion.  I get to go kayaking every weekend, but that’s fairly convenient now.  Going to New Zealand, now that’s going to take work. 

Motion creates emotion…I read that once.  I feel bad that by coming home I’ve allowed myself and others to grow comfortable w/ the idea of me settling here.  But…I want to wake up and everyday think, “I’m in a new world…everything is new and exciting.”

I want to look forward to food shopping because all the brands are new.
I want to look forward to watching soccer and rugby again.
I want to look forward to new accents, words, foods, and phrases.
I want my “min-world” that’s bombarded w/ US news, to be bombarded w/ news about SE Asia, or Africa, or the Pacific Isles.
I want to look forward to being the foreigner, a long way from home.
I want to look forward to being in a position to follow my bliss, whether it’s taking a job in a hostel, picking fruit, being an outdoor guide, teaching English…
I want to look forward to meeting people who look forward to the same thing as I do, the types of people you only find by doing those things which you look forward to.
I want to look forward to days that are so full from walking and site-seeing, that I fall soundly asleep and wake up refreshed and excited for the next day.
I want to look forward to being 100% self-reliant.
I want to wake up and say, “holy fuck…I”m in [blank]“

So…the cycle continues, work, save, kayak, work, save, kayak…

Topic: Geography

So…w/ a million different crisis to follow in this world, I finally got around to reading a bit about “that thing” in the Sudan.  For all of those keeping score, “Darfur” is the name for the western region of the Sudan (is it Sudan, or The Sudan?), which means “land of fur.”  Bordering the Sudan to the South is Uganda, which like the Sudan, is having its own problem containing a group of violent rebels. 

But…as my experience in S. Africa revealed, there is much more to a country than its politics.  So…I followed some links to Ugandan news, and wouldn’t you be shocked, it looks just like any other American website.  People write and sound just like us!  How shocking.  And in their opinion section, an article about “The Need for Innovative Education Reform in Uganda’s Colleges and Universities.”  Basically transplanting everything I wrote in my book, and saying the same thing about Uganda.  Schools there are just as irrelevant for success in work and life.  That always makes me feel better.

Link to article:
http://www.monitor.co.ug/oped/oped09264.php

PADDLING UPDATE:

The Lackawaxen River is a tributary that leads into the Delaware River.  It flows from NE Pennsylvania into the river which marks the border of Pa. and NY.  It was a pretty slow and mostly boring paddle, although always fun people to be around.

Sun. I went up w/ a friend to paddle the Mongaup wave, which is lower on the Delaware.  We stayed at this one standing wave from 11am, till 5pm, probably surfing the wave 60 times.  You face your boat upstream, paddle from a calm eddie up towards the lip of the wave, face your boat at 2 o’clock, and slide on in. 

The effect is pretty thrilling.  My first attempts I didn’t last in the wave 5sec., my 2nd attempt I flipped, couldn’t roll, and ended up swimming.  Getting back upstream was quite a bitch, and provided one heck of a work-out most of the day.

I was pretty psyched out for a while, afraid of the wave, especially the deafening roar that you only hear once you’re inside of it.  But…I gradually learned how to edge the boat, and got to the point where I could stay in basically until I lost my focus, usually going 30-60sec., carving back and forth.  It quickly grew addictive, and I definately got lots of practice and confidence from the weekend.

that’s it…

Topic: Boy…it’s getting dark early…yes, there is still a streak of sorts going on

So…it’s nearly another weekend.  I’m heading up to my sis’ for dinner, crashing there, then heading out to Jersey tom. morning to meet a friend for some paddling.  This weekend we’re doing the Lackawaxen River, which is located in Wayne County, Pa (home of my precious summer camp!!!), although not really near the camp.  It’s basically in NE Pa., just outside of Jersey.  I’m getting the geography class of a lifetime from all these trips.  On Sun. we’ll be paddling what’s called the Mongap Wave, which apparently is just a standing wave in a river where people practice surfing and other tricks w/ their boats.

My blog is becoming a bit less purposeful…i’m not ranting anymore, not trying to get a message out or promote anything, not really writing too much that’s comment worthy these days.  I guess I’m growing comfortable w/ the status quo…and right now, that’s fine by me.  I make my contribution to the world by making sure my company mail gets delivered on time (I actually received a compliment in my office for being on top of things here…not sure if people here still think i’m actually just 17 and never been to college doing the work i’m doing, but, a compliment is a compliment…and, the other day we had a meeting about giving me more responsibility, which game down to me depositing checks at the bank, woo-hoo, laughable stuff, but all part of my extended time of wandering around the city for a bit).  I guess I’m still somewhat documenting things for the couple of people who care to follow what i’m up to, and there’s always the potential for a comment or another person’s post to open my eyes to a new idea, book, movie, anything, so I guess i’ll just keep on writing like 100′s of thousands of other bloggers.

I was listening to U2 War on the train coming to work.  I rarely pay attention to words in songs, which is why I’m not a big music following sort of guy, or a music snob in anyway.  I just know what sounds good to me and what doesn’t.  Usually, what sounds good to me is soothing (Phish or Allman Bros.), or epic (Stairway to Heaven), or something that’s just different and funky that I’ve never heard before (Elliot Smith).  This CD I can just listen to forever, I sort of disappear into the music.  It’s great.  My CD collection is sort of scattered, I never took very good care of them.  I don’t have an i-pod or a lap-top right now to download, so i’m contemplating buying cd’s which i haven’t done since i bought 10 cd’s for 1 penny w/ BMG back in high school.  Maybe I should start doing that again, unless someone knows another way to buy cd’s on the cheap.  My friend Doug is a music nut, and while he has an i-Pod, he still buys cd’s “because i like the art.”  I think that’s a good reason, probably the same reason I buy books when I can always just go to the library.  Seing that I don’t spend money on virtually anything else, I can justify that.

For soccer fans…I’m getting a bit nervous about Arsenal.  Not having the hottest season, and now there’s talk of losing our star striker Thierry Henry at the end of the season (he’s out now w/ an injury), mostly as a result of our team not really being a threat anymore in England or in Europe, and Barcelona constantly knocking on the door.  We’re on the road against West Hampton on Sat., then play Ajax this week in the Champions League, where Dennis Bergamp, one of our other strikers who is afraid of flying, is apparently going to make his way down to his native Holland for the match, but he won’t be flying.  We really need to win both of these games.

Alright all…enjoy your weekends. 

Topic: Dave Eggers

I’m really digging this book AHWOSG, which is a memoir by the author, Dave Eggers.  Will muse on this later. 

My buddies in Chicago just lost their 3rd roomie…this is just accelerating my push to get my counseling career going.  I had posted something on a Chicago kayaking site about kayaking and jobs, and the response was from a guy named Tom, who I had also responded to a post I put up a while ago through the Associatoin of Experiential Education.  If I can get myself moving job wise, I’d like to do it in Chicago to be w/ my friends, or here in NYC mostly for the good kayaking scene, and other things will stem from there. 

I think I’ve finally made the important life transition from trying to spread my message to everyone like a fanatic, to figuring out how to live like everyone else, w/ everyone else, and how to be a sponge from the experience of others.  So..now I hope to use the AEE as I’ve managed to use several kayaking listserves, to figure out what the deal is w/ things, and how to get involved.

Topic: It was 2 years ago today…

Sept. 20th, 2003

Day #1 of my 45-day Outward Bound course.  No idea what lay ahead, for those 45-days, or for my future.  From NC, to SA, to ropes course in Pa, to book-tour via Greyhound, to higher ed. org. in DC, to OB in Bal., back to NY, working in an office to figure it out again, to kayaking, to ???

I know I can find adventure in this area if I continue to look, and continue to make a few friends here.  But…I feel like a person w/ no identity here.  The way most people jump when they here “Brooklyn” “Queens,” “The Village,” “Chelsea” “Long Beach” I spent 17yrs. growing up right by those places, but they don’t have the meaning for me that they do for my parents, for out-of-towners, for hip people who are part of the scenes there.  I don’t have much pride for where I live, no pride for where I work, no pride for where I went to school.  The one thing I have pride in is being a free-spirit, willing to go anywhere in the world w/out a plan…

I’ve only been out of school for 2 years.  Just as 4-years of college did little to sort out what I wanted to do, these 2-years have just begun to sort out what I want to do. 

Perhaps I’ll just be a farmer in NZ.  My family can visit for a month a year, and actually enjoy my company, instead of me being the drag on the household.  Perhaps then I can show them a bit of adventure, show them some new culture, bring my dad to places where he can snap photos like he’s never seen.  My mom will find a garden to play in.  I’ll find the local synagogue so they can visit that too.  I’ll find a marathon for my oldest sister to run, and my middle-sis can come kayaking w/ me or do some hiking.  I’ll have an interesting group of int’l friends to invite to dinner, and we’ll have wine from a local winery that I’ll have spent some time working on.  Since my parents will have this time…they can spend a few weeks driving the countryside as they did in America…staying in cute and inexpensive B&B’s.  If I don’t have my own place, my sisters can stay in the hostel w/ me, relaxing in hammocks after our days adventures.   

Perhaps I’ll find a girl there, a sweet and beautiful girl.  She may re-ignite one of my professional ambitions, and I’ll find myself continuing my studies in counseling, and will find myself doing some form of social work.  We’ll be outdoor mates, pushing each other into new adventures, improving our skills paddling, climbing, hiking.  I’ll be in the same excellant shape I was in as a wrestler in hs, or when I was hiking mountains in SA.  We’ll take vacations to more exotic places, to Australia, to Papua New Guinea, Thailand, Malaysia.   

Meanwhile…back in real time…every few days i head down to the barnes & nobles near me where Johnny works, read some mags, catch up w/ J, etc.  Yesturday, I enjoyed reading NZ magazine, in the travel section.  I found it kind of odd that there’s magazines dedicated to just a few places in the world…there must be a reason.  In fact…much of the magazine was directred towards opening up Americans to this lovely place on the other side of the planet.  A place where outdoor recreation reigns supreme because the gov’t covers insurance for companies that run bungy jumps, or zorbing (getting tossed down a large hill in a hamster ball sort of contraption), so there’s no worries of someone suing for every little thing.

Afterwards, we went down to a homebrewing meeting in a small bar in the lower east side…ended up sampling a wide variety of delectable homebrews, spiced ciders that tasted sweet as applet pie, spruce beers that tasted like a walk in the woods, and some double-strength brews that were closer to vodka than beer.  All-and-all, a great experience, great friendly people. 

So…my kayaking has allowed me to bond w/ people on the weekends, this beer club is only once a month.  I’m still lacking a more regular activity…and will try to fill that gap soon.

My sis just got back 3-mos. in Peru, did the Inca Trail and the Galapagos Isles.  Unbelievable place she said…so happy for her. 

Topic: Hmmm…kayaking?….day # 19, the streak of goodness continue

So…kayaking has rescued me from a difficult stretch of my life, or perhaps, a difficult life.  Either way, it doesn’t matter.  As long as I can kayak, I will have something to look forward to.

Got a ride up w/ C, who does marketing and PR work for the girlscouts, and is a lifelong adventuror, kayaker, skiier, and only recently selling her motorcycle.  She’s from London, lived in Japan for a while, lived on a kibbutz in Israel, and has been in NYC for about 10 years now.  She’s also a writer, and has been commissioned to write books on topics like eating disorders, and teenage runaways and prostitution.  That last book required her to interview clinic workers at a shelter in NYC that patrols the streets at night looking for teens living on the streets, and offering to bring them in, and help them w/ their lives.  Many have unbearable home lives, and have no adult role models to turn to.  I’m gonna dig up this place this week to find info, see if I can volunteer, because that would be quite an experience, and might give me a good 1st hand feel for that line of work.

There was an article in Newsday today about suicide amongs 18-24 year olds.  Apparently, 15% of college students are on some form of medicine for depression, which sounds low, but comes off as strikingly high.  15% of students have been pushed to and have taken the initiative to seek help, and have been medicated (i’m not so concerned about the medication issue here…since if it helps, it helps).  But…I now recall writing a while ago that the number of students merely seeking help at my uni was about 25%, which leads one to believe that the actual number of students whose mental health is to the point of not just suicide, but simply removing themselves from living a happy, healthy life, is probably more than 1 in 3. 

I’ll begin to put more of my efforts into researching jobs, and masters programs (one’s that hopefully emphasize hands on learning, or perhaps allowing you to get credit for actually working), in the field of counseling.  I now have adventure therapy, college menthal health centers, and even this teenage runaway shelter, as future lines of work in this general field. 

Paddling this weekend, of course, was delightful.  Sat. wasn’t the best day, I was trying out a new boat, and my confidence was shot all day.  I couldn’t figure out if it was the paddle, the boat, or just me.  By Sun. I realized it was actually the boat.  Was way too loose the first day, but after adjustments, was back having a good day.  Went 0-2 on my favorite rapid, Zoar Gap, bringing me to 0-4 career, but the rapid itself is beginning to slow down in my eyes, as I begin to grow comfortable in faster moving currents, and have begun to learn to identify various river features, holes, waves, tounges, and very large rocks barreling down at you!

Sat. night, the kayak store in town had a bbq and a guest presentation by Chris Spelius, an olympic kayaker, who paddled down in Chile, fell in love w/ the place, and found a way to make it his home for most of the year.  He runs amazing kayaking trips down there, which I’ll likely not do for many years because of cost.  The flight alone is $900…although there was also a Costa Rican kayaker there, and flights to CR can be as low as $350/rt. 

All to report…

Topic: It’s the weekend, you know what that means

I’ve once again managed to scrape together gear (a boat and paddle from one person, a helmet and cold-weather paddling gear from another, and a spray skirt, PFD, and a ride to the campsite from yet another person who I’ve yet to meet).  For some reason I always get apprehensive about meeting new people…but I think it’s also a bit of excitement for these mini-weekend journeys.

The only question in my mind now…is how long will I stay where I am, and where exactly will I be going next.  Winter would be a nice time to move on…especially somewhere warm, but…I feel as though one-month of work here can buy me almost two+ months of freedom elsewhere.

work 6mos…LIVE for 1 year.
work 1 year…LIVE  for 2 years.

By LIVE…i’m referring to taking on an adventure that likely will require me to live off of savings.  Just as my last adventure produced some wonderful work opportunities, and spawned my crusade against the educational behemoth, this next adventure will hopefully keep me on a path that suits my adventurous spirit. 

Topic: My distracted mind…preparing for adventure

For a while…my life felt like I was driving down a dark, and endless tunnel.  It was the lowest I ever felt.  I had no social life, was living at home virtually devoid of any close friendships, had no job, (then had a job that turned out to be hardly much of a real job at all), and I had no vision for how to get out of this mess of a life. 

Despite having had a great social life in college, despite having had an adventurous job in the past, despite having had visions of an super-star future as a visionary writer, a cultural revolutionary, an outdoorsy world traveller, I found myself back at 17.  In the same town, same bedroom, mostly the same social life, the same hope for a better-future-and-a-better-person-to-be.

Slowly…glimmers of light have begun to appear.  And, it seems that the path I am looking for is not a new one, it’s just one that I’ve been on but failed to stay on long enough. 

A few cultural and practical fears have been riddled into my brain.  The fear of not saving a whopping amount of money for my future and retirement, and the fear of growing older w/out any roots.

1) The fear of not saving money, is the fear that tells me I need a constantly growing bank account, and therefor, cannot afford to take more time to simply live abroad w/out any long-term direction.  It is the fear that tells me I’ll never be able to live in a house like the one I grew up in, and may never be able to provide all the luxuries I had growing up.

My only response to this fear, is that I really don’t know how to make a lot of money anyways.  I don’t have a path that will allow me to make large sums of money. 

2) The fear of growing older w/out any roots…this I sensed when I visited my friends in Chicago, and saw how happy there were, and all their stories and friends there.  And I thought…”I’m missing out on something.” 

So…I’m preparing to embrace adventure.  It seems silly that I wake up each day, and while I no longer have any dread for the day, just knowing that my day will be devoid of any adventure, devoid of time w/ my closest friends.

I think adventure is probably what I long for most in a job.  That’s probably why the career center in college wasn’t much help.

I’m warming up more to the idea of this Uganda trip…which I still have more to learn about.  The only comment I got from someone in my office is, “Don’t go to N. Uganda, they kidnap kids there.”  I know I have a lot to learn about this country if I were to go there, I country that I know 0 about, but…I also don’t want to take-in prejudicial or 3rd hand info about a place from people who have never been there.

Topic: i think so

1) Found my book, was burried in my room

2) Haven’t stopped thinking about this Uganda / humanitarian aid / kayaking thing all day. 

Day 12: Where the hell is Uganda…still streaking

Going to Chicago confirmed a lot of things for me.  It confirmed that I’m 100% missing out on the 20-something social scene.  It’s all set-up for me in Chicago…so many instant friendships through association.  And the party my friend’s through Fri., it simply couldn’t happen in NYC.  30people in the apt., people smoking hookah and drinking on the back deck, a bbq the next night in the backyard, living on a quiet city street, but only 1 block from a strip of bars and restaurants. 

But…the question remains, how to make a living?

I called Jessie Stone, the woman from the Outdoor article, the pro kayaker turned malaria relief organizer in Uganda.  She was super friendly…and she confirmed my dreams.  I could simply hop on a plain to Uganda, live in housing from $1-$5, much cheaper than SA, do some feel good work learning about and then teaching locals about malaria, and helping to distribute mosquito nets…but most importantly, having the opportunity to kayak DAILY on the Nile River!!!  The whole experience would qualify somewhere under dream vacation, ultimate kayaking education, ultimate humanitarian experience, ultimate let life’s worries disappear lifestyle.

In the meantime…I’ll continue to survive in the office, continue to survive data entry, mailboy, file clerk, knowing that this salary can purchase this next-step in life.  And perhaps…after this experience and w/ new kayaking skills in tow, I can either continue pursuing this new sport I have fallen in love w/ virtually anywhere…or, find some form of instructing job in the windy city that now beckons me.

These plans will likely remain secrative here in xanga…I cannot expect certain people to be supportive of my plans, I cannot even expect myself to explain these plans to anyone.  The only explanation I would give is that my current life is lacking in 1) adventure and 2) those friendships I had in college.  And…I am too weak right now to sell my ideas to people.  I am sick of thinking about the big picture…worrying about retirment and being unhappy now.  Worrying about starting and raising a family when I haven’t really found a girl I liked since I was abroad.  I would happily discuss this w/ people close to me…but what I want is “cool,” what I want is, “great…consider this also,” what I want is, “maybe after you can…”

what I don’t want is, “what will you do after?” because i’ll say, “i don’t know.”  what i don’t want it, “are you getting paid for this,” because i’ll say, “actually…it would cost me money.” 

What I want is advice and concern that does not diminish the inner voice inside that says, “shit…this can be done as easily as blinking.  this could lead to anything.”

I think I left YSKOV on the plane      But…I’ve just picked up Eggers’ next book, AHWOSG…which I’ve heard lots of good things about.