Topic: the world stays the same, while my world changes

Nothing changed since a few days ago…but I’m reading things that are unsettling.  I feel unsettled first and foremost by the lack of knowledge I have, especially as a college graduate.  I recall many SILENT classes, especially business classes, and that silence tells me that many were as ignorant as me.  I think it would be interesting to see a business professor challenged, to see a socialist attack the many ills of our capitalist society.  I even remember something briefly about an ideal unemployment rate.  I didn’t know enough to question, but now it sounds so ridiculous.  And I’m interested to hear a defense of why we need people to be out of jobs?  And then I ask the person who is defending that if they’ve ever lived in poverty like so many do.

What’s creepy to me is how so many things were kept from my eyes…and as I read, I realize how most people around me have not read.  One trend I have come to recognize, is that most Americans, most people, do not like to self-criticize.  I have recently been asked by a couple of high school seniors of my views on my university.  A friend of mine warned me not to “warp this person,” with my views.  Since I’ve openly attacked the quality of my school, I’ve become an extremist, and therefore, need to watch my words.  While I was sure to use a disclaimer and explain how many people do have good experiences, I am obligated to share my thoughts and experiences.  But what got me, is how my friend felt the need to defend the school.  I felt uneasy about sharing my views, but it would be perfectly ok for my friend to say, “oh…this school is great.”  In the same way, it is so difficult to question our country.  If I suggest, “hmmm…maybe socialism has some benfits over capitalism,” I would be yelled at by most, but, despite the many many problems of poverty in our country, (which we don’t think about as a capitalist country, it’s just America), we never come to critique capitalism.  Back on the education issue, I notive that people are so excited about going to a school, then while at school, many, including my friend who now defends the school vigorously, people complain. “my classes are boring, my teachers suck, etc.” but after the fact, we look back and are unable to speak of the past as we did when it was the present, and say, “you know what, truth be told, there’s 100s of schools that could be just as good.” 

So…it is with that mindset that I find it unsettling to go from recognizing certain problems in America, to having the same distatse for our gov’t that we ARE TAUGHT to have for Iraq, Cuba, Iran, North Korea.  All I hear is, “ok…the US is bad, but those countries are different,” or, in response to asking why it’s ok for the US to flaunt it’s military power, while simultaneously attacking countries who even consider building their military, “oh…but we’re not reckless like Iraq.”  And I understand that viewpoint.  We don’t gas our people.  We don’t intentionally fly planes into buildings.  

There is clearly a good vs. evil divide, but I think it’s not that black and white.  It doesn’t take away from the “evil” of other countries, by looking inward and thinking, “hey…we’re really not that good.”  In the same way with my college, nobody wants to discuss what’s bad about their school, especially when they went in with the belief that they were attending a good school.  So, perhaps the lesson for me to take as I try to steer students towards what I have come to view as schools that use good educational practices, is to compare “good schools” and “amazing schools” because it’s all in the words really.  Or to be more honest, to start with the premise that I think almost all schools are bad (that’s assuming non-institutionalized learning is best), so, given that all schools are bad, some are better than others.  I think that works, so I can freely say, “I thought my school wasn’t very good (to put in politely), however, I think school in general isn’t a very good thing.”  Also…I think criticizing education and school are two different things.  I can say, “I loved Wash U.” just as I can say, “I got a crappy education.”  This can be extended back to politics.  “I love America.”  I just hate American politics, etc.

oh…if you’re still here, i nearly forgot what inspired this post:

This is Stalin talking about Roosevelt, found on Maoist_Disciple

“I have some experience in fighting for socialism and this experience tells me that if Roosevelt makes a real attempt to satisfy the interests of the proletarian class at the expense of the capitalist class, the latter will put another president in his place. The capitalists will say: Presidents come and presidents go, but we go on forever; if this or that president does not protect our interests, we shall find another. What can the president oppose to the will of the capitalist class?”

So…for all those people like me, who hate Bush because they want to see a president who will take care of the needs of the poor, you begin to see how Bush came to be president in the first place.  Business has too much influence over politics for a liberal to be elected who can make gov’t work on behalf of the people.  And I think about Ralph Nader and the green party, and how that is part of their corps, is running gov’t without corporate influence, and yet, Nader couldn’t get on the ballots in some states.  As another 4,8,12 years goes by with both Dems and Republicans doing nothing for our country’s poor, to ensure they have quality schools, health care, and social security, can the green party’s proven success at grass roots mobilizing actually make its way into the mainstream?

I’ve downloaded 800 songs in 3 days…what the fuck?  I don’t think i’ll ever complain of being bored or unhappy again (just like i’ll never get drunk again…until tonight w/ the other jews).  merry x-mas to all who do that.

topic: brainwashed by ignorance

In the past few months, I’ve learned a few things. There’s still much for me to learn.  Before I learn too much, I want to remember my ignorance as I see it begin to wash away.  Due to various factors in my first 22 years, here’s how I viewed the world at the time I graduated college (note…only a few of these beliefs have changed, give me a year and i’ll have read a bit more and won’t be such an ignoramous).

US = good, policeman of the world, fights evil, brings aid to those in need

Palestinians, Saddam Hussein, North Korea, Cuba, = back countries with bad leaders

Communism = bad, evil, opposite of democracy

Socialism = the opposite of capitalism

Capitalism = the economic system we have

Vietnam = a beautiful country I’d like to visit, and a country we fought for some reason in the ’60′s and everyone protested against it because peace is good, war is bad

China and Russia = communist at some point, but we have no problems with them today

India and Pakistan = hate each other, trying to nuke each other

Canada = hockey, Gretzky, Molson beer, not as cool as America

National debt = ???

Social Security = a type of tax, and the money you get when you’re older

South Africa – I knew a bit about it because I’d met South Africans, but at a party last weekend I had a girl ask me, “is that a country, or do you mean you went to the southern part of Africa?”

I told my internship supervisor today I wasn’t enjoying my experience, or at least, wasn’t getting too much from it.  It’s been a month now, we spoke for maybe 45min., the longest we’ve talked ever.  He still hasn’t read through my book, which doesn’t upset me so much as it prevents him from understanding me.  He critiqued my article I submitted about higher ed. and democracy. “This thing is hardly readable, definately not publishable.” I’ll admit, i’m not the strongest writer, and obviously if he didn’t get the point, my writing wasn’t clear.  But…as I explained it, I realized he still wasn’t getting the point, because he sees the problem differently than me.  He’s a very reasonable person, and we had a good conversation.  My article discussed those students who slip through the cracks, who suffered in K-12, are unmotivated, and suffer through college, by the same system of boring classes, irrelevant assignments, and the only motivation being grades.  My supervisor said, “I know many motivated students,” and I had already countered this in my article, by saying there are many who do well, and then returning to my argument that we need to help those who aren’t.  I realized then, first of all, that I need to work for a movement that already believes my views rather than trying to convince others.  I also realized that I had made my point again, that people in higher ed. talk about college in this abstract way, without realizing that there’s pleanty of students out there as ignorant as me, who need something drastic, not just a random program here or there.

It was a disappointing moment, but a clarifying one.  I now feel little obligation to this internship, and now I have two months to just focus on learning and reading, and I’m excited for that.  I’ll still show up maybe 2 times a week, because I believe my supervisor can still help me focus my ideas.  He did put some support behind my desire to combine Outward Bound with efforts to get people more interested in civic activities, so, my only real project is to develop a model that I can propose to Outward Bound when I start working in March, and in the process to educate myself about what “civic skills,” can be taught. 

I also began talking about my goal of being a school critic in the future.  I asked if there were Alfie Kohn’s, Jonathan Kozol’s, or other K-12 type critics doing the same thing in higher ed.  My supervisor couldn’t think of any.  I said, “that’s my dream.  To be one of those people, recognized for my criticisms of higher ed.”  The response I got was that I would be best served by having experience with the system and where it doesn’t work.  “I went to college for 4 years, I know why it doesn’t work.”  I plan on reading more, and may eventually get a masters in Experiential Education, because it would give me credibility, connections, and further focus my thinking (plus, as an experiential program, i wouldn’t be confined to a classroom and could essentially get a masters for working for Outward Bound and contemplating what’s wrong w/ higher ed., as I’m doing already).  I also said, “it’s not all about credentials.  You can’t tell me Michael Moore hasn’t been successful simply through his own knowledge, experience, and passion.”  That’s the angle I’m going for, in fact, I think the layman approach is needed.  Just because you have reserach, doesn’t make something true for someone else.  What generally convinces someone that something is true, is there own common sense.  Research doesn’t hurt, but as I tried to argue that gap years are a great way to help students see the world and mature before going to college, I was told, “is that your opinion?  where’s the research?”  It’s true because I’ve spoken to those who have experienced it…so it’s their opinion.  I’m sure there’s research, but I don’t plan to spend a lifetime running tests to prove that if you get an opportunity to go abroad and then go to college, you’ll have a greater understanding of the world than if you didn’t.

peace,

-dan

In the spirit of learning about Mao and communism, here’s a card game I learned years ago, and forgot all about, called “Mao”

http://kevan.org/games/maobot.html

Topic: confused

I picked up a book in Barnes & Nobles today, “Education and Capitalism.”  I’m trying to understand all points of view, including those who support private schools working in a free-market society.  I’ve recently also been browing some other websites, and came across “capitalism magazine,” http://www.capmag.com/ 

i haven’t felt this confused since Bush won re-election…and while my emotions have waned since then, this website and a few others have re-awakened the sense in me that I just don’t see the world in the same light as others.

I respect the idea that philosophies are often grey, more than they are black and white.  But…more often than not, politicians, policy makers, lobbyists, organizations, journalists, have clear agendas that tend to eliminate any gray. 

Let me try to make my thoughts clearer…I think there are some legitimate debates about when capitalism or socialism may be appropriate, (capitalism brings forth innovative technology, socialism makes sure we the poor get educated and health care, ideally) But…reading some of these capitalist sites, I’m starting to see defensive individuals, individuals who laugh at sensitivity, and are proud to be sarcastic and deliberately insulting of their opponents. 

I think the point I want to make, is that while there are differences philosophically between dems and republicans, socialists and capitalists, etc., I seem to sense a general “lack of civility/understanding of others,” on the behalf of capitalists.  I am trying to not use that as a reason to simply right off capitalist arguments such as privatizing schools, but I think it is worth considering further, that having a conservative political philosophy vs. a liberal philosophy, tends to have a psychological effect by which we care less of others, and lose a sensitivity of others.

Now…before some of you get excited and aim to respond (whether in your head or in a post), that “of course, i knew that all along, those republicans are creeps,” realize, you’re making my point fall apart.  As someone who generally supports liberal values, it is imperative that I try to see those with oppositve political views of mine as just that, people with opposite political views. 

Some of the articles in Capitalist Magazine, starting with “green bigots international,” just slapped me in the face.  They call it ad hominem, when your argument attacks the person, and my criticism of many free-market supporters, is that they rely largely on ad-hominem attacks to prove there points.  Hopefully…this post did not do that.

 

So…in light of the general feeling, both externally from the comments of others, and internally from pragmatism, that I’m out to change the world, but likely will die trying, a response:

a) i’ll die trying

b) i may not change “the world,” as in, i may not even make the slightest dent in the problems i am trying to fix, however, in the process, i am changing “my world.”  If, indeed, there is no great purpose in life except the purpose we create, and if all we get is X number of years to exist, then we are free to do what we wish and create any meaning from this life.  So…what to do with this life???

They say the unexamined life is not worth living, so I’ll try to examine life. 
People talk of living the good life, or the high life, so I’ll aim to do those things and soak up everything I can.
People talk about following your bliss, so I’ll try to do that.
Apparently undertaking challenges has the potential to be quite rewarding, so i’ll do that.
I’ve seen pictures of beautiful places, and I think I’d like to live and explore many of them.
People say it’s rewarding to work towards goals bigger than yourselves, so I will.
Most would agree that pursuing your passion is more important than pursuing money, so I’ll try that out.
Apparently, as you grow older, people look back and have regrets that they didn’t do and try certain things, so I’ll be sure to do and try things now so I won’t have regrets later.

Trying to change the world in some way isn’t the most glamorous job title, but I gotta say, the job description ain’t so bad, and the fringe benefits are pretty sweet too.

p.s., i’m going through a crazy music phase, so make no judgements on my “currently playing” for now on.

Topic: philosohphy of progressivism

How does cutlure effect education?
Does an increase in progressive schools reflect a cultural shift to a more progressive society?
Besides progressive pedagogies, what would we describe to be characteristics of progressive students? As a student, teacher, parent, whatever, what would you describe, in general, as the goals of school  for students? Here’s one possible list

-truly critical thinkers, especially of institutions like schools themselves, and government
-equally capable and likely to contribute to “democracy/society” as to the economy
-compassionate
-happy and fulfilled
-independant and self-reliant
-lifelong passion for learning

What is the ultimate goal of progressive education?
-a progressive society…progressive adults

What are the characteristics of a progressive society?
-politicians, business people, lawyers, teachers, and other professionals who are critical thinkers, compassionate, happy, capable of contribute to our democracy/society as well as our economy.

Is America a progressive country?
-Yes/No

Why is it not?
-lack of critical thinking rampant, most obvious by politicians, media, voters and non-voters
-depression from students to parents is rampant, compromising a happy population
-voting and other forms of civic engagement are low, business dominates our society

We need progressive schools for a progressive country

What does it mean to be a progressive country?  Progressive is relative…so perhaps we can only define what a progressive country is by creating a vision for what a country could look like based on its resources.

ex) The US is a technologically progressive country in many way.  Homes with computers that can connect people to the world in seconds, DVD players, flat screen tv’s, nvew video games systems, and a host of other technologies are “more advanced,” than in the past.

In what ways is progressive a good thing?

What exactly is the opposite of progressive?  Is it status quo?

Define progressive: Improving as one moves forward in time.
Define status quo: Not improving/getting worse as one moves forward in time.

Progressive can also be defined as cutting-edge.  The “best,” or “most advanced,” we currently have to offer.  This definition is left data reliant than “improving,” and appeals more to values and opinion.  The question to ask, is does something meet the times, or is it outdated?

Is the US a technologically progressive country?
-Yes.  As described above.

Is the US a socially progressive country?
-Yes/No.  Better means of communication, along with increased isolation from other people.

Is US schooling progressive?
-No.  The majority of US schooling is largely made up of out-of-date practices.  However, charter schools appear to be implementing progressive practics.

Consider the following scenario for schooling, described by Alfie Kohn:

Public/humanistic – purpose is to build a democratic society
Public/economic – purpose is to increase corporate profits
Private/humanistic – Enhancing personal fulfillment
Private/economic – Maximizing competitive financial success

Public schools were originally created with considerations to both humanistic and economic purposes.  As public schools grew in the early 1900′s, President Wilson wanted to “separate the privileged from the peons, creating a pool of adequately skilled laborers who will do their part to increase the profitability of corporations…the emphasis is on transmitting basic skills as well as “work habits” training students to be measured and goaded by rewards and punishments.  This led to the creation of schools that resemble factories, as the most efficient way to prepare students to take their place in real factories.

While schools are neither 100% humanistic or economic, if you had to throw a dart to one extreme of the spectrum where schools are heading, it would be the economic side.

What do we think of this quote…”our school systems have been transformed into a vast public subsidy for private ambition?”

The problem with the debate about education, is that we ignore such a large body of evidence as to the success/failures of traditional schooling.  We must examine those who have graduated and are now working adults, to understand the success of schooling.  With much of the schooling debate boiled down to numbers, rather than behaviors, our debate falls apart.  Politicians are able to deal well with numbers and test scores, while educators and parents are able to concern themselves with, “what do our kids know, how are they responding to school?”

I just read an article about an Indian charter school that takes its students hunting and fishing.  Are charter schools the solution, they are public schools with the flexibility to pursue humanist goals and progressive education?

To: Washington University in St. Louis

Re: Your use of grades, dean’s lists, 15 credit requirements per semester, individual courses, high standards of admissions, competitiveness in the US News and World College Rankings, focus on publishing for professor tenure…

Having consumed your product for four years, I write to express the great disservice you did for me, for my peers, and that you continue to impose on students today.  While I believe you, being faculty and professors, have nothing but the best interests of students in mind, I am concerned that your practices are outdated.  Just as the medical profession is always innovating, and if a doctor told you, “I still use practices from 40+ years ago,” you’d run away in fear of the harm that doctor might cause you, a school that holds to practices that have been proven inefficient and harmful to students for years, is a school that should leave its students in outrage. 

I am writing because I am in outrage.  I am writing because others are in outrage, but as students, professors, or deans, are not in a position to express their outrage, lest they put their job or degree on the line.  I am writing because those who have graduated have been harmed by your practices.  Many who struggle with life after graduation, can look back to their time at Washington University and see how they were not only underprepared for the real world, but how they were handicapped by purchasing a four-year education from you.  They are handicapped financially through debt, educationally through an inability to understand the world, and emotionally by having not had the full opportunities to explore their interests while at your school because of the way success is defined by grades, credits, majors, and the degree requirements, and they have been handicapped socially and politically, both by the bubble they have been kept in, as well as the general focus of your school, to help people get jobs, rather than to help students learn what they need to be active in creating social change after college.

For four years, I was numb to learning at your school.  This numbing began in first grade, when I first learned to define success by grades, and first had my values shifted from valuing what I know, to valuing “how well I know,” valuing intrinsic values shifted towards those imposed by school.  Your emphasis on grades as a motivating factor for learning, your dean’s list, your honors, etc., caused me to work towards those goals, at the expense of developing a love of learning. 

I write you now because more and more students are suffering at the hands of your grading system.  Today’s students are less likely than I was to value learning for intrinsic reasons, because the demands of K-12 education, and the over-hyping of the SAT test, have created that shift. 

When students fail, (fail to learn, and fail to succeed as the school defines it by passing classes), we cannot and should not put the spotlight solely on students.  We must not allow ourselves to label students as “lazy,” “unmotivated,” or any other description that we often use to explain those students who are uninterested, or unsuccessful in their classes.  Instead, it is the educational system, it is Washington University in St. Louis itself, that we must question.  When kids fail (both academically, and fail to develop as passionate learners) it is really the school, the faculty, the administrators, who have failed the students, both literally and as people.

The only thing preventing radical change, is the lack of belief that it is the institution that is broken.  Those who defend the system, defend it out of familiarity, comfort, and the ease in which we can maintain the status quo.  Those who defend the system out of a belief that this is the best system, have no right to educate, because my experience, the experience of thousands like me, and both educational and psychological research supports the notion that this traditional system, serves the opposite goals of what we claim education should be doing.

Unlike K-12 education, whereby parents and students have little choice, and despite the cultural shift that is ongoing whereby more people than ever are going to college, colleges are more vulnerable than K-12 schools.  Students who graduate high school have thousands of schools to choose from, including those that are choosing to innovate.  Also, college students are more likely and able than K-12 students to speak out about issues that concern them.  Ironically, the one issue that touches them daily, their education, is the one issue that is quickly overlooked.  Students all over America are active organizers, protesters, commentators, trouble-makers, and activists.  Now is the time for that energy to be turned towards the issue that affects them daily, to an issue they have so much power over, to an issue many will face later as both educators and as parents.  The issue is our schools, and it is time to make some demands. A student bill of rights:

-meaningful feedback from professors, and the abolishment of grades
-courses built around themes or problems
-boycotting the US News and World Rankings systems
-professors who receive tenure based on teaching
-student involvement in determining courses, distributions, and other requirements
-an admissions process based on experience, through essays, interviews, and activities, with no consideration given to grades or SAT scores
-courses that involve real-world meaning, service-learning, apprenticeships and internships, co-ops, etc., experiential

*these practices can be found all across America, although in limited number, and almost not at all at Washington University in St. Louis.

 

Result	You scored as Chaotic Good.
A Chaotic Good person is someone who has little intrinsic respect for laws or authority, seeing them as insufficient to sustain what’s right. These people work according to their own moral compass which, while good, is not necessarily always aligned with that of society. Despite their chaotic tendancies, these people are good at heart.
Chaotic Good 90% Lawful Good 60% Neutral Good 55% True Neutral 50% Neutral Evil 50% Chaotic Evil 40% Chaotic Neutral 35% Lawful Evil 35% Lawful Neutral 20%   http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=382

topic: god bless downloading music

I downloaded 200 songs in 24 hours…i’m obsessed and in love with music.  Too much technology is bad, i think, but the ability to find a song and listen to it in under a minute, or to listen to a new band and love them, is one of the greatest advances of our civilization.

Currently listening to:

The Decemberists, Ben Kweller, Modest Mouse, Franz Ferdinand, Gomez, The Shins, Elliot Smith, John Butler Trio, Rachel Yamagata, Keane, Joss Stone, Our Lady Peace, Dispatch, Coldplay, Eagle Eye Cherry, Jack Johnson

My internship has decreased to nothing.  0 interaction…i take a train into DC from Baltimore, just to sit in front of a computer.  This environment is suicide.  I’m only going in 1 out of the next 6 days…i need to get creative and do something fun and free.  I’m laughing because this is a repeat of my senior year of college…i don’t believe in the work i’ve been assigned, and so, i find myself showing up physically, but not mentally.

I want to spend the rest of this afternoon reading random people’s xangas, looking for new bands and songs to download.  I want to go back to Baltimore tonight and know that i could have stayed home and nobody would have noticed.  I’m living w/ my best friend from college, so i can deal with 2 more months similar to this…in case things don’t change, i’m going to be a student of music, books, and websites.

but…in the words of jon stewart, i’m not hear to be anybody’s monkey boy.  I’m referring to his interview on CNN’s crossfire, if you haven’t heard it, it’s fuckin’ amazing.  Stewart bombards the hosts, accusing them of doing a great disservice to the American people by performing theater, instead of debate on their shows.  He probably could have been more damaging…the crossfire hosts bought themselves time by accusing Stewart of not asking Kerry tought questions when he was on the Daily Show, but the Daily Show is a fake news program.  Stewart gets the spotlight back on the hosts, accusing them of partisan hackery, accusing them of playing into the hands of politicians by not holding their feet to the fire. 

The most amusing part to me, was the hosts reactions.  They were completely taken offguard.  Unable to respond to a single one of Stewart’s criticisms, they expressed their dissatisfaction that he wasn’t as funny on their show as on his.  Stewart responds, “well, you’re as big a bunch of dicks in person as you are on your show.”  Man, that was tv history.  The hosts tried to get Stewart to change the subject, to tell jokes, but he was all business.  He was there to confront them.  It was the most inspiring 30min….if you haven’t heard it, I highly recommend checking this out:

http://homepage.mac.com/duffyb/nobush/iMovieTheater231.html

 

topic: phases of life part 2

I figured out what drives me.  Truth…or something like that.  I think once you’ve been programmed with some form of logic, and you see something in the real world that slaps you in the face as being bogus and absurd, something emotional gets triggered (if only i were in a freagin’ school that would let me run with this idea and study it…one day i’ll be in a cool masters program that will, i’m sure of it)

Anyways…what re-triggered me this morning, was an article on depression.  Depression is a mental illness characterized by loss of energy, changes in appetite, irritability, sleep problems, feelings of worthlessness, difficulty concentrating, and suicidal or morbid thoughts according to the American Psychiatric Association. 

Shit…than I must have been depressed.  I’m sure 100% of Americans at some point in their lives could have been diagnosed depressed.  Just as 100% of public schools are expected to be labeled as failing by 2014, unless every single student in every single public schools get 100% on every standardized test, if we’re describing depression by such common characteristics as loss of energy, irritability, and feeling worthless, than I’m sure we could diagnose 100% of Americans.  Not to say that is the intent of either schooling or psychiatry, but, clearly we can see how that is the path we’re on, and we can see how there are people who stand to benefit from both.  In the latter (or is it ladder) case, drug companies and therapists make a bundle.

So, I’ve now analyzed my brain.  It gets excited when by what I’ll call the bullshit detector, getting set off.  Labeling so many people depressed…i’m calling bullshit on it.  It’s not an illness, the same way being unhappy isn’t an illness.  And…while my goal is to see everyone being happy, and if therapy and meds help, that’s fine by me, but slanting the issue of happiness/depression towards psychology, and disregarding the source of all depression, being society, does a great disservice to those who aim to change out culture.

According to the National College Health Assessment, 39.4 percent of Washington University students felt so depressed at least once in the last year that they could not function.”

Almost 40%…what an absurd number, and what an absurd way to talk about depression, saying that “students felt so depressed.”  It’s not like cancer, where you either are or you aren’t sick.  It’s more like having the flu, where you feel shitty, but it might just be a cold.

Anyways…why is my bullshit alarm really getting riled here, why are the chemicals in my brain firing away, telling me this way of thinking about depression is bogus, well…the real reason is because I’m depressed.  That’s right…when I think about depression, it makes me feel hopeless and purposeless, irritable and angry, my appetite changes.  I’m not suicidal, but I occassionally have thoughts that life doesn’t matter.  But…instead of popping pills or going to therapy, I just say, “i’m going to write about this stuff, and when i’m not writing about it, i’m going to not worry about it and watch the Giants lose to Pittsburgh today.”

And, here’s a typical way a college campus will help address depression.

“We’ve increased the number of counselors and psychiatrists,” Glass said. “Counselors from SHCS are actually assigned to residence halls so they develop a good working relationship with staff and students.”

I think that’s what I haven’t found yet.  An education initiative aimed at reducing depression.  If I can show the strong relationship between traditional, “do i have to go to school,” education, and depression…

Topic: phases of life

ok…this is a morbid thought.  But, imagine tonight i found myself in a near-death situation.  What would matter?  What would run through my mind?  I don’t believe there’s anything waiting for me afterlife, so, in the truest sense, my life would be meaningless.  Now, i don’t believe that my life is meaningless as i am currently alive, and i know that in many ways i affect people in this world, and even after i’m gone, my life will have had some meaning.

but…what else would my near-death represent.  Petty worries would be gone.  Like the fact that i’m living on my friend’s inflatable bed, and that he bought all the groceries yesturday, and i’ll probably buy the beers tonight, and i know he doesn’t mind, but i’d rather be able to live a 50-50 partnership w/ my friends.  but if i was almost dead, that shit wouldn’t matter at all, now would it.

and all my thinking through life and education, thinking that as i get older i’ll “know,” what’s right more than i do now.  but as i lay near death, will it matter that there was more for me to know, or will it matter that life never made any sense in an objective way, and that i only knew life through my eyes, and if i was living in a hut in africa i would have perceived life in a radically different way.  i don’t think any of that would matter as i neared death.

life is the funny back-and-forth between the recognition of what life is, dealing with the deep questions of meaning, and then those things within life that hold meaning for us.  I often wonder what the inner-most thoughts of politicians are.  They’re the thoughts of so many of us, criticizing and praising, and there lives from our point-of-view are simply that of controlling and shaping the planet.  but imagine you’re a politician, and you lay at bed at night, thinking, “what if tom. i decided i want to be anonymous again, like i was when i was 13.”  i think about that often, how all adults evolved from childhood.  we only differ in our experiences.  at the end of the day…the one thing all people have in common is our own mortality.

as i’m writing now…i can’t fathom thinking about anything else.  my mind perceives thinking about life to be important, and 5min. later, it will perceive eating a bowl of Life cereal to be important, just as this afternoon, it perceived it to be important to wrap my ahead around all things education.  with everything holding only temporary importance, it makes me think of the tree falling in the woods, does anyone hear it…if i stop thinking something is important, does it stop being important?

it’s odd how i find it soothing to think about life in this way.  it’s soothing because it’s the one topic we’re all on equal ground on.  i imagine humans as cave-men, without words for their thoughts.  i like thinking about life like that, eating, sleeping, shitting, a little cave love-making, hunting, laughing, crying.  I doubt any of there emotions lasted very long.  Maybe they felt angry when someone finished the last piece of zebra, and maybe they even held grudges, but, i doubt they thought about it so much.  life was much simpler, not necessarily easier, but there were less things to think about. life wasn’t as complex as it is today.  I sometimes wonder if it would be acceptable to run from the complexity.  To live in wilderdom   http://www.wilderdom.com/vignettes/WilderdomSimpleLivingInNature.htm
Taking all of the complexity of life, and solving it by living simply in nature.  i think about what people want in life, what i want in life.  in this world of complexity, and competition, and freedom, i want to live the exotic life.  i recall once reading that “motion creates emotion,” i yearn to travel again.  depression grows on stale humans.  movement shakes it off.  i bet if i got to rotate apartments everyday, life would be interesting.  change makes the mind stay sharp i think.  i need to find that change when i’m in a revolving world that always looks the same. 

So…where should I go next?

Australia – ye-ah mite, go have a vegimite sandwhich mite. your dingo at my baby.  oh…what a hoot it’d be.

Thailand – you want pa thai?…soak up some buddhism, ooooooooooooooooooooohm. crystal clear waters to swim in

Hawaii – mooka-laka-hiki, whose got a lei

Espana - tapas, mohitas, run w/ the bulls

what would it be like to spend a life time traveling…say i found the perfect woman to be my companion.  a never-ending ride of beauty, culture, people, adventures, pictures, stories…what would it be like if i removed these self-imposed chains of ambition, ambition to provide service to others.  what drives that ambition? am i trying to prove something? is there anything to prove in this life?  being American has made me ambitious. 

Ever see the movie Good Will Hunting?  This kid’s a genious, and he jokingly says, “i want to be a sheapherd,” or “lay bricks. there’s honor in laying bricks, that’s somebody’s home you’re building.” is life about honor? if i grew up on an African farm, honor might exist but not defined as we do, by your life’s work. could i shrug the weight of honor…or is it ingrained permanatly in me already.  i think i’m at an advantage because i’ve never made money.  i think many who have made money, have feel there is too much at stake to do anything “less than.”  i am living as much as possible around the less than, so as to not eliminate anything.  i desire nothing to be able to have everything. taoism.  what would it be to immerse myself in a culture that fit my mind?  i must not forget who i was when i traveled. i was already planning my next trip, and now this non-traveling thinking is cutting into my days.  if i were to suddenly die, i want my mind to be happy.  life is a struggle to be enjoyed.

you know what i sometimes find amazing…i find it amazing how fast i can type…i just hit the keys so damn fast, if i could only translate this to music, i’d be a musician. i’ve even had people comment to me in internet cafe’s how fast i type…i often wonder if i’d be a good court-room reporter, although i hear they have special short-hand type and different keys to get used to…you know what’s interesting about typing fast, is the fingers are typing, but the mind is thinking, and that’s what’s leading the fingers to type, because the fingers can’t think for themselves…but does the brain think for itself, and are there 2 brains, because i’m not really concentrating, but i’m still managing to write, stream of consciousness, my conscious, or self-conscious is writing, and i’m thinking but not thinking at the same time…such a strange phenomenon…see what i mean, now i’m thinking about psychology, before philosophy, earlier education….there’s this whole other type of education that is project based, and i wish i experienced it, because then everything, from researching articles to stream of conscious finger-typing can be related…because everything is related in some way…taoism, the whole, not parts.  i remember one of my first posts, it was so scary to write…i remember thinking how i might freak people out…because so few people get to know the inside of your mind, it’s even hard to grasp my own mind, it’s always stream of consciousing, and then i fall asleep and when i wake up it’s gone, but what’s never gone is the stream of consciousing, and sometimes i find thoughts re-cur, and sometimes i find that i never lose an idea, but can always re-capture it but at a different time and in a different way…but, what i meant to say, before i forgot what i was going to say because i got on a tangent of cousciousness, was that we live in a world where our thoughts are isolated to ourselves, but then again, life has always been that way, and maybe in 100 years there’ll be machines that allow us to share our thoughts so easily…and i wonder how we might complain today that we feel so isolated, when for the first time ever we can open up the consciousness in our heads, and allow others to have a look.  and allow ourselves to have a look…i’ll probably wait till later to read this back, when i’m not in this stream of conscious mood, and i begin to think of further things and, no…not laugh at the absurdity of what i consciousized, but wonder what it all means…and get frustrated that it means everyting and nothing at the same time.  all i can do is wonder, wonder what it would be like to have one of those little martians on my shoulder, like that green guy with the lazer and the funny hat in that cartoon, i can’t remember which one, but to have that guy along to talk to me, right now even, and to have him follow my life and always be aware of my consciousnessizing, and make life seem more real and important than it sometimes feels…because, it’s not just traveling that i yearn for, but it’s also constant engagement w/ people, community, i think humans were never meant to exist alone, maybe that’s not true, occassionally alone, but not to this extent…i’ve actually grown quite comfortable being alone, i did spend 4 days on a bus traveling across canada, but i wonder if it’s natural for humans to act as they are today, but what is natural? and i wonder when we complain about all these new diseases and getting sick from eating the wrong foods, that it was once natural to die at 35, and we compare the lifespans of americans to africans, and we’re so human we don’t even realize it, and what i mean there, is we look at things through such sophisticated human eyes, when sophistication is something we made up…we think it’s right to live longer, to get better, to have honor…it’s amazing how one person can go through so many thoughts and phases in life, and still never know anything, but it’s kind of a fun thing i think, it’s fun to experience these phases, and, in the words of ben and jerry’s, if it’s not fun, why do it.  and…i sometimes wish i did drugs, i’ve never done any real drugs, i haven’t smoked pot in ages, actually…i can count the number of times i smoked in both my hands, because it always made me paranoid as shit, and i’d rather have a beer, and i’d rather save my lungs for everest…oh i’m such a dream, i’m so pathetically inactive right now, but it’s possible, in 5 years i could be summitting everest, and i could die summitting, and i’d only feel bad about giving up the honor of living a long life, but i would possibly trade it for the honor of that one summitt…oh baby, that would be sweet and beautiful and amazing.  but back to the drugs, i can’t imagine how it would just alter your mind, and life would enter a whole new phase that i’ve never seen, but, even in sobriety, i think there’s so many psychadelic phases of life for us to go through…but, we rarely do, because we’re so damn scared of what it will look like, we’re afraid of being judged and laughed at until we remember all the crazy ones we loved, kerouac, man, i’ve written about him before, and i hate his fuckin’ writing, but i love that his writing was so pure, man, it’s such a rush to write and not think, and just see what comes out, and wish you were surrounded by people you knew and felt comfortable around, who would understand you, and would do the same, and you didn’t have to snap back to reality, and know that even you think you’re a bit strange…how is that, that you’ve been trained to hold yourself back even….that’s another set of chains i wish i could get rid of…when all of life is just one long dream, why do we have these fears, these irrational fears….like when elaine was in the chinese restaurant, and jerry bet her $50 to go up to a table of 6 and grab an eggroll, and you felt nervous for her, when in reality, she should have done it…what makes us fear, why can’t we just do what we want, without the psychological torture of embarassment. what would the world be like if we were all brave enough to take each other’s chinese food, except i don’t mean stealing, especially each other’s chinese food, i just mean the bravery part…what if we were all that brave, and could walk away from it all…and here we go, back to the usual stuff, but if we walked away from the lives that we enjoy but know that there’s still true pleasure, true bliss to be followed. follow your bliss i say…and i will follow mine.

arsenal’s new stadium in progress…next up in the champions league, bayern munich, feb 22nd…is this the year we win the treble (champions league, FA cup, and premiership)?

First Leg: Tuesday, February 22, 2004

Real Madrid v Juventus

Liverpool v Bayer Leverkusen

PSV Eindhoven v Monaco

Bayern Munich v Arsenal

First Leg: Wednesday, February 23, 2004

FC Porto v Inter Milan

Barcelona v Chelsea

Manchester United v AC Milan

Werder Bremen v Lyon

Second Leg: Tuesday, March 8, 2004

Inter Milan* v FC Porto

Chelsea v Barcelona

AC Milan v Manchester United

Lyon v Werder Bremen

Second Leg: Wednesday, March 9, 2004

Juventus v Real Madrid

Bayer Leverkusen v Liverpool

Monaco v PSV Eindhoven

Arsenal v Bayern Munich

*Inter Milan v Porto will take place on Tuesday March 15.